Is there such a thing as “Good Grief”? When I hear that expression, my first thought is of Lucy from the Peanuts comic. Seemed as if Lucy said it often to her brother Charlie Brown. Mostly she said it in irritation at him and his actions or lack of actions.

According to the online Oxford dictionary “good grief” means, an exclamation of irritation, frustration, or surprise. Euphemism for “Good God!”.

Lately, I feel that “good grief” captures my mood: I am trying to work out good, healthy ways to grieve the different losses we have faced over the last couple of years and my frustration with myself that I am not doing it well.

This week will be the fifth anniversary of my mother’s sudden death. The other three parents were lost through a longer period of mental degeneration of dementia/Alzheimers. Either way, there is a noticeable loss in our lives. There was a time when the parents were whole, functioning and dwelling among us and then there is not.

While I have read, studied and worked with grief counselors, I realize that I need to revisit some information to give myself permission to grieve and to recognize that just because I may have “head” knowledge doesn’t mean that it has registered in my “heart”. Lately I feel that I am at sea. Those of you who have sailed on a sunfish may remember that if you do not put the centerboard down, the boat will slide back and forth in the wind. I feel like a sunfish without the centerboard down- drifting along with no clear navigation of my little life vessel.

In addition to our beloved parents, there has been other types of loss and grief: expectations, goals, dreams, roles. For instance, my role as caregiver has shifted. No longer do I need to move from problem, project or situation. At this point in our lives, it is back to just my husband and myself. While it is rather refreshing to not have all the responsibilities, it does make me think about who I am as for many, many years I was defined by my caregiving.

With all the things I have heard and read about grief, here are some take-aways that resonate with me:

• Give yourself time and permission to grieve-intentionally give yourself space to grieve: ex. fifteen minutes each day or at a certain location

• There is no one way to grieve

• Take care of oneself: eating well, physical exercise, sleep

• There are all types of grief, not just the obvious like a child or spouse dying.

• It is normal to experience physical feelings- gut punch, nausea/vomit, lack of appetite, insomnia, brain fog

I found it interesting that there are at least ten categories of grief. According to whatsyourgrief.com they are labelled: Prolonged, Anticipatory, Masked, Secondary, Cumulative, Inhibited, Ambiguous, Complicated, Normal, Traumatic, Abbreviated, Exaggerated, Absent, Collective. The definitions of said categories are what you would expect and as the names imply.

The following information has been a helpful reminder as I am trying to navigate the future with the heaviness of grief and loss. Kubler-Ross has become the classic go-to for grief but I thought the other psychologists have interesting theories that reflect my experience. In addition to these, there are other theories and explanations out there.

Five Stages of Grief* (*https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/grief)

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five linear stages of grief:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

Kubler-Ross originally developed this model to illustrate the process of bereavement. Yet she eventually adapted the model to account for any type of grief. Kubler-Ross noted that everyone experiences at least two of the five stages of grief. She acknowledged that some people may revisit certain stages over many years or throughout life.

Four Tasks of Mourning

Psychologist J. W. Worden also created a stage-based model for coping with the death of a loved one. He divided the bereavement process into four tasks:

• To accept the reality of the loss

• To work through the pain of grief

• To adjust to life without the deceased

• To maintain a connection to the deceased while moving on with life

Dual Process Model

As an alternative to the linear stage-based model, Margaret Stroebe and Hank Schut developed a dual process model of bereavement. They identified two processes associated with bereavement:

Loss-oriented activities and stressors are those directly related to the death. These include:

• Crying

• Yearning

• Experiencing sadness, denial, or anger

• Dwelling on the circumstances of the death

• Avoiding restoration activities

Restoration-oriented activities and stressors are associated with secondary losses. They may involve lifestyle, routine, and relationships. Restoration-oriented processes include:

• Adapting to a new role

• Managing changes in routine

• Developing new ways of connecting with family and friends

• Cultivating a new way of life.

Stroebe and Schut suggest most people will move back and forth between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented activities.

What about you? Are you experiencing any “good grief” this season? Loss from the pandemic? Family? Job? Friends? Expectations? Goals? Future? What have you found to be helpful through your loss?

It has also occurred to me that the definition of “good grief” includes surprise. It makes me think that there are surprises, some unforeseen benefits that may come out of our grief. While things may be painful, I am also aware to be on the lookout for those “good grief” moments: surprising times when the unexpected happens.

Other resources:

• physiological: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/survive-anything/201906/good-grief

• https://nickwignall.com/grief/