“I am not complaining. I am just stating facts”, I have said to my family when in reality those “facts” are disguised complaints.

How long can you go without complaining? By definition, to complain is to express dissatisfaction or annoyance about something: any type of whining, venting, groaning, moaning, kvetching, bellyache-ing, grumbling, kicking up a fuss, b**ching, sounding off, running down, protesting, criticizing or nattering. You get the picture. If I really think about it, I am embarrassed to say that I don’t think I can go even an hour without some type of grumble, deep sigh, or out and out complaint.

I complain a lot more often than I think I do and definitely more than I want. And, if I do not voice aloud my complaint, the complaints are running around in my head in the form of criticism, snarkiness, or judgement.

The other week as I was driving, I heard a brief reminder on the radio about the negative impact complaining has on our brains. No surprise that it is not a good thing. There is evidence to suggest that complaining changes the way our mind thinks and works. It changes the way our synapses (junction between two nerve cells) are wired. Complaining also releases cortisol in the blood. We know that cortisol increases blood pressure, contributes to diabetes, cardiac disease, and strokes. In addition increased cortisol shrinks the hippocampus- the area in the brain that helps with memory and problem solving.

The ancient Hebrew writer said, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

One could say as a man thinketh in his brain, so his brain becomes. In the brain a synapse is a small gap at the end of a neuron that allows a signal to pass from one neuron to another. It isn’t a very large space, but a space nonetheless. When we have a thought, a chemical is released across that space to another neuron. That chemical becomes a bridge for an electrical signal to cross and carry information from one area to another. Every time there is an electrical charge, the synapses grow closer together. The brain rewires itself to make it easier for a similar thought to cross. When we have one negative thought, it can be easier for continual negative thoughts. If we continue to have negativity, the brain will connect on the easiest, closest path. And so, any positive thoughts will have difficulty competing with the easier negative ones.

Researcher Steven Parton explains how these closer synapses result in a generally more pessimistic outlook:

"Through repetition of thought, you've brought the pair of synapses that represent your [negative] proclivities closer and closer together, and when the moment arises for you to form a thought...the thought that wins is the one that has less distance to travel, the one that will create a bridge between synapses fastest." Gloom soon outraces positivity. It easier and more likely that the proper synapses will share the chemical link and thus spark together--in essence, making it easier for the thought to trigger."    

Not only does having your own negative thoughts rewire your brain for negativity, hanging out with negative people does much the same.

Researcher Parton explains, “When we see someone experiencing an emotion (be it anger, sadness, happiness, etc), our brain 'tries out' that same emotion to imagine what the other person is going through. And it does this by attempting to fire the same synapses in your own brain so that you can attempt to relate to the emotion you're observing. This is basically empathy. It is how we get the mob mentality.... It is our shared bliss at music festivals," Parton writes. "But it is also your night at the bar with your friends who love love love to constantly bitch."

But isn’t the definition of complaint to express dissatisfaction with something? Can we productively complain? After all, sometimes we need to speak up about a situation. Is is really complaining to speak up about injustice, misuse, neglect, etc.? I do not think so. Yet as humans (or maybe just Americans?) we do seem to have the tendency to like to complain. There is a part of complaining that appears to put us, the complainer in a superior position over the complaint(ee). It makes us removed from the situation and from ultimately helping to fix or solve a situation. When we feel like complaining, I guess we need to evaluate if we can do something about the dissatisfaction- a change in the situation- or not; the old adage of being part of the solution, not problem. While venting may help us process a situation or releasing stress it appears that chronic complaining is more detrimental than beneficial for all parties involved. Perhaps we need to think first before we vent. (Lest you think I am speaking only to someone else- know that any pointed finger has three pointing back at me.)

Once again I am reminded of the Hebrew writers in learning to change this negativity. “Transforming ourselves through the renewal of our minds. (Hebrews 12:2) If we want to get out of the complaint trap there are a few things we can do:

1. For every negative thought, try to counter with 1 positive. In some work, I have seen the suggestion to counter 1 negative with 3-5 positives, but since some of us (myself included) have been in a complaint mode for far too long, 1 positive is probably the best I can do at this point. The science suggests that positive thoughts can reduce cortisol levels by about 23%. Not bad when you think that modern day Americans have more cortisol in their systems than needs to be.

2. Write out that gratitude list. Strive for 3-5 items for which you are grateful each day. Writing about things for which we are grateful is a way of remembering and bringing to the fore front positive things in our lives.

3. Try to surround yourself with positive people. If you feel that everyone in your circle is Debbie Downer perhaps you can try some outside sources- receive daily positive affirmations through devotional apps, motivational apps, etc. Or, if there is a positive person in your life, commit to sharing positive texts each day. Perhaps you can be the positive one for your friends and family.

It all comes down rewiring our brains towards love.

What about you? How is your complaint department? Working overtime? How can you transform your mind? As you read this, is there one thing for which you are grateful? I would challenge you (and myself) that for today, let Philippians 4: 8 resonate in your heart and mind: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.”