Everything I learned in Preschool…

This past week I met a woman who is a preschool teacher at a Montessori school. I used to travel by a Montessori school and always wondered about it. I was curious to know what is their philosophy in teaching. She explained that Montessori is a “method of education based on self-directed activity, hands-on learning and cooperative play.” The school focuses on the individual child and their developmental needs. The curriculum and teaching is established with the whole child in mind- body, mind and the senses. They focus on respect and civility: learning to respect yourself- cleaning up after yourself; respect others- saying “please” and thank-you”; sharing with others; being civil; caring for the mutual environment. The school fosters independence with guidelines and age appropriate decisions. The learning is experiential and encourages the children to discover the answers themselves- to appropriately allow them to experience consequences in the learning process.

On the Montessori website they reference a study that was published in the Frontiers of Psychology. (Of course the study is favorable to a Montessori education.) The study looked at the those who attended a Montessori school or conventional school (ages 18-81) and had them complete a well-being survey. They found strong evidence of elevated psychological well-being among adults who attended Montessori schools as children. In some ways, I am not surprised. Whether one agrees to the Montessori curriculum or not, the idea of respecting others, yourself, your environment, feeling a sense of control in one’s learning and becoming independent through responsibility makes sense. All those ideals help foster healthy and well-adjusted adults.

Makes me wonder what else I could learn…

One of the lessons that they employ is for a student to engage in a cycle of uninterrupted work periods: choose an activity; engage in that activity; clean up from that activity and then select a new task.

There are many days when I need to remember that lesson. I find, especially when I have a lot of tasks to do in a specific (namely short) amount of time, that I am frantically working from one to another and not doing a good job in any one of the activities. Plus, I seem to leave a wake of disruption and sometimes physical debris behind me. This always happens to me during the spring. I have so many tasks I want/need to complete before things get too warm: from a total clean through of the house- top to bottom and all in between- to a cleaning/working of the outdoor gardens and deck which has been “put away” for the winter. I find that I’ll start working in one area. I’ll notice something else and that pulls me to that activity and before I know it, I have begun four different tasks. This year, perhaps I can employ the Montessori method.

What about you? What lessons do you remember from school? What do you wish you had learned? What about kindergarten?

I think of the little tykes in a Montessori school. If only we behaved as they do- saying “Please, Thank-you, Good morning, How are you?”and showing respect to one another? What if we put back the things we used? What if we learned how to share?

I think of the classic book by Robert Fulghum, “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”. He wrote it in 1986 but what he says still rings true. “…no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.”

Forty Days

Today is Ash Wednesday. The period of forty days before Easter (not counting the intervening Sundays). Forty is a significant number in the Bible and in the Christian tradition. It is a period of time for reflection, trial, testing, change and preparation. The forty days in Lent are a reminder of the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness. It is in these forty Lenten days that we reflect, change and prepare for Easter. We strive to become more like Christ- by giving up something (sacrifice) or by taking on a new discipline.

Forty is a significant number in the Bible: forty days and nights of rain during the flood; forty years of wandering in the desert for the disobedient Israelites; forty days on the mountain while Moses received the Ten Commandments; the Philistines taunted the Israelites for forty days before David took on Goliath; it took Elijah forty days of fleeing Queen Jezebel before he heard God’s small voice in the cave; Jesus was with his disciples forty days after he was resurrected and before He ascended to heaven.

Saw this on a friend’s Facebook page. Thought it was appropriate for the times.

There is debate over the meaning of the number- is it literally forty or figuratively- meaning a long time/awhile? Either way, it is a time for Christ’s followers to set apart and think about things, take some action and prepare for the times to come. [Fun fact, the word quarantine comes from the Italian word, quarantina- when ships came from an infected port, the crew were required to remain aboard ship until forty days had passed, assuming that any diseases would have died out by then.]

This year, I hope to lean into Lent and set apart some time for reflection. I am hoping to take on a writing practice (my preferred action for change) for the forty days. Part of that writing practice is to try and see my “neighbors” as Jesus sees them- as created beings who are deeply loved by God, just as they are. That includes even those who are my “enemies”. I am also trying to let go of some things too- preconceived ideas and frustration with those who do not see things as I do. Just like a quarantine, my hope is that by not picking up that which I let go, I can let those practices “die out”.

What about you? Do you have a Lenten practice? What is it? Do you give up anything at Lent? Take on a new practice or action?

Another fun fact- pregnancy is approximately forty weeks. In that time, a woman experiences reflection, trials, change and preparation. The end result is growth and new life. May we, as we reflect, prepare and change through Lent, come into Easter with growth and new life.

Just heard from Guideposts- In God’s Time, will soon be published. Folks can preorder here: https://guideposts.org/shop/product/in-gods-time/. (discount code: AUTHOR15). It is an anthology of 45 stories of transformation and answered prayer. I have the privilege of contributing one of those stories.

Do Something...

In 1943, American psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote a paper, “The Theory of Human Motivation”. The theory is a classification system whereby there is a hierarchy of universal human needs that one needs to have met before acquiring the next. Starting with physiological needs (those needed for survival) the hierarchy continues through developmental stages until self-actualization (raison d’etre for humans). If the basic physiological needs are not met, survival is questionable. If any of the other subsequent needs are not met, one will be stuck at a level and most likely experience stunted emotional growth.

Just recently I was thinking of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In the current climate of our country, there appears to be a collective deficit in our basic needs being met. Are we stuck and stunted?

Many people that I know (myself included) are finding themselves feeling stressed and anxious. For a while I couldn’t understand why my brain was having trouble focusing. Compared to most, things are good in our household and life. Yet, I am finding that my reaction to recent events feels similar to the early months of the Covid-19 pandemic. At that time, I was in a state of shock over the lockdown and the way our daily lives were disrupted. I found myself not wanting to listen to the news, yet drawn to watching whenever I could.

I seem to be in that same mode of operating again. While I know that I should limit my news reading, I find myself looking over and over at online newspaper articles, periodicals and youtube/news segments. And I am in a state of shock. How quickly the world can go from status quo to confusion. Chaos seems to swirl among us and there is a pall of dread over our heads. Our way of life is not stable, our basic needs are in question and for some, safety and security is gone.

There have been multiple studies regarding children and their responses both physical and emotional to living in unstable family situations (due to socio-economics- changes in residences, caregivers, primary parental figures, parental substance abuse) Lacking safety and security, children in these settings are more likely to have physical ailments such as asthma, weakened immune systems; behavioral issues such as aggression; and emotional ones such as stress and anxiety.

I feel as if our nation is like those children: struggling with the first two levels in Maslow’s Hierarchy- physiological and safety and security needs. No wonder most people I know are feeling a sense of helplessness. I am struck by how much instability and insecurity affects behavior and thoughts: that certain situations cause great difficulty to survival.

With Maslow’s theory, it takes an outside force- parents, guardians and caretakers to provide and therefore help move the child along with his/her basic needs.

It seems to me that now, if ever, is an opportunity for each one of us to help one other in assuring that those around us have those basic needs met. As a collective anxious body, we need to look beyond ourselves and see the needs in our community. We can be on the lookout for those who are food insecure or unhoused or who are feeling unsafe.

What about you? How are you feeling in this moment of whiplashed governmental policies? Has it affected you? Your community? What opportunities do you see in your community? For helping those in need?

In the news coverage of President Jimmy Carter’s death, there was reference to his speech, Crisis of Confidence (https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/carter-crisis/.) In it he talks about the individual and how small sacrifices can help the common good of our nation. At the time, the small sacrifices referred to actions related to the energy crisis. But the sentiment is still true: individual’s small sacrifices can add up to a collective larger one.

While we wait for the government to shift and sort out these turbulent decisions, we, the people can do something. We can hold our communities close and do what we can for each other:

  • Purchase food for the local food bank- pick up something each time you go to the store; organize a food drive with your neighbors

  • Check on your neighbors, especially those living alone and who might be fearful

  • Contribute $ to those non-profits that you value

  • Support local journalists

  • Support your local stores, businesses and restaurants

  • Contribute to NGOs, especially the ones that work with religious organizations like World Relief (worldrelief.org)

  • If certain policies or procedures trouble you, send letters to your representative or senator

    Abraham Lincoln in his Gettysburg address said, “that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” (U.S. President Abraham Lincoln, The Gettysburg Address, November 19, 1863)

    A friend of ours works for Social Security. She acknowledges that managing the government is unwieldy. Things do move slowly. But, she will ask, do you really want it to go that fast? Should it really be that efficient? At the expense of the people? While the government (like churches) need to be good stewards and managers, do we really want them to be run like a business? Businesses whose bottom line is about profits and for (selected) shareholders. Governments are for all the people.

Just received word that some of my devotionals from the Strength and Grace Guideposts Magazine have been used in a new book collection from them: https://guideposts.org/shop/product/comfort-for-caregivers/

Balancing Act

Together, yet alone.

That could be the slogan to sum up our current existence and interactions in society. We are, in some sense, more together than ever- technology can bring people together from far flung places in our planet. We can connect on any day of the week and at any time of day, yet the feeling of belonging and community is disappearing. Because of technology, one would think that in this period in history we would be the most social civilization ever but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

In the latest The Atlantic Magazine, the cover article “The Anti-Social Century” speaks about the change to the way we interact with one another. There are many reasons but technology seems to be one area that has changed how we interact: The automobile created distant suburban homes, the home television became the evening entertainment and the smart phone became the conduit for solo social interactions.

We are not inclined to join groups or organizations that would give us a sense of belonging. Over the last twenty years, professional organizations, service clubs, social clubs and religious organizations have been declining in membership. Even the percentage of 12th graders going out with their friends two or more times a week has dramatically declined from @ 80% in the 1980s to below 50% in 2020. There is a dramatic sharp decline around the time of the introduction to smart phones.

According to psychiatry.org, in a 2024 poll by the American Psychiatry Association (APA), 30% of respondents say that they feel lonely at least once a week and 10% feel lonely every day. Loneliness is described as “feeling like you do not have meaning or close relationships or a sense of belonging.” According to that poll, when Americans feel lonely, 50% will use a form of distraction like TV, podcasts or social media.

“Clearly we believe technology can be used to connect with others,” said APA CEO and Medical Director Saul Levin, M.D., M.P.A. “In some cases, it seems to be helping us reach people who become part of our inner circles or to communicate with those who already are. However, distracting yourself when you’re feeling lonely with social media might be a double-edged sword: while it can connect, it can also lead to feelings of missing out, and we need to make sure we remain conscious of its effects on our mood. In this tech-heavy world, we should not forget the value of in-person interaction.”

It seems as if our loneliness doesn’t have anything to do with solitude and silence or even “togetherness”. Many times we feel like we do not belong when we are in the middle of much “noise”- in the form of instagram posts, youtube videos, podcasts, or streaming services.

We have all seen those pictures of a social gathering, say around a diner table, and everyone seems to have their head down, engaged in something that is on their phone.

The fact that people are on their screens doesn’t necessarily mean they are alone. Many might be in a group, but no one is interacting- just scrolling, texting or watching individually. While social media has brought people together- reunions of old friends, long lost relatives, individuals with similar health conditions, political leanings, etc. it has mostly been a place where we are together (tethered by technology) but really alone (individual watches and engages).

We have an interesting relationship with solitude. We seem to attribute alone with loneliness but it doesn’t necessarily mean the same. One can be alone but not lonely and one can be in a crowd and very lonely, almost as if the crowd amplifies the feeling of loneliness. Ironically, it is in our alone times that we can process and prepare for our time together. Of course we have those people who are extremely introverted while others are extremely extroverted and then there is the spectrum in between, which is most of us. We need socialization for our psychological, mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical health. And we also need solitude for those same reasons.

The following chart looks at the benefits of solitude vs community. As humans, we need both. It appears that there are almost equal benefits to solitude and community. The yin and yang of existence.

I have been more and more interested in what they call Rule of Life. When we last went to Canada we visited a Benedictine Abbey and purchased a book in their gift shop about the Benedictine way of life. There are five practices: prayer, work, study, hospitality, renewal. While monastic life lends itself to more contemplation and solitude, there is a pattern to their days. A balance of solitude and community.

As a Christ follower, I turn to Jesus and how He handled the two seemingly oppositions of solitude and community. There are plenty of stories that Jesus loved a gathering- socializing over food and fellowship but that He also practiced solitude- the need to get away by Himself and engage with God.

Jesus modeled how one can and should be balancing our lives. We need to take time for that renewal through our time alone with God in order to engage in community- to have margin in our lives so that we do not get burned out in either situations- to not to feel lonely and to not feel overwhelmed and overstressed.

But as it is discussed in The Atlantic article, we have to do more than just be together via technology. We need to be face-to-face with our loved ones and family. But we also need to be face-to-face with our neighbors and those people who are familiar to us but not necessarily intimate friends or family. It is in the villages of our lives that we learn empathy, patience, productive disagreements and compromise.

In thinking about the way I spend my days, I realize that I need to put into balance the practice of solitude vs. engaging with others. I need to model my days after Jesus.

A while back I posted about the book, Listening Below the Noise. (August 21, 2024) I must confess that I have yet to practice a day of silence/solitude. I am looking forward to trying it but have yet to plan a day on my calendar. Sadly, I have to schedule it first before it becomes a regular practice.

Due to geographic locations, health, or timing, it is wonderful to have the technology to connect with friends and family. For example, I am grateful for technology to be able to share my thoughts via this blog. Yet, I find myself drawn in to a practice of spending more time with technology than perhaps with real people- checking my phone, looking up meaningless “facts” online (not for any type of knowledge or benefit). While I need solitude, I also need (sometimes have to force myself) into physical community- going out of comfort zone to engage with my neighbors or joining a group. I am learning to engage, listen and enjoy those who live around me.

What about you? How do you balance the two? Do you? How are you with solitude? Being quiet, alone and with your own thoughts? Or do you have to have something in the background? Do you have to look at your phone? How often in a day? Do you interact with others? Face-to-face? Do you belong to any organizations? Do you feel a sense of belonging?

While it is scary to read how fast society is changing, I try to remember that our basic human nature hasn’t changed. We can be together and alone. It is a matter of choice and, as humans, we can control that choice.

Smallest Things

During our morning Bible reading, my husband and I are working through the book of Kings. Some of the stories are familiar. Some are not. What always amazes me are the stories that are written that seem out of context of the “big” picture.

There are stories of people being eaten by bears, others who are cursed with immediate leprosy, lots of plundering and being plundered, and even the miraculous ongoing supply of food and oil with the smallest of resources.

Tucked in the middle of all these epic tales is a small, insignificant story that could be easily overlooked. One thing that I have noticed more and more about the Bible are the details. While at times, some stories seem to lack any details there are others that have plenty- names, physical descriptions, even weather. In this episode in 2 Kings 6: 1-7, the large prophetic community needs a new place to live. They plan on acquiring material (logs) from the banks of the Jordan River. One of the fellows accidentally drops a borrowed axe in the water. He cries out, in distress over the lost axe. Being made of lead it most likely sank to the bottom. Elisha, the main prophet, asks him where it fell. The man pointed to the spot. Elisha cut a stick and threw it into the water where the axe had fallen. Immediately the axe floated to the surface. The axe was saved.

I really like this story as it reminds me that nothing is too small for God. He cares about us and cares about the things, large or small that we care about. In that care for the details in our lives, He shows us that He loves us.

I think of the different ways people care for one another through little, thoughtful ways: the meals made with love; the physical caring of those who are vulnerable and cannot care for themselves-the young, infirm or old; the kind word or gesture.

Many years ago, one of the first articles that I had published was a piece for Valentine’s Day about ways a person loves you. I shared that my husband demonstrated his love for me when he made the luncheon sandwiches for our school-aged children. Those morning when I stumbled into the kitchen already feeling frazzled and behind over the numerous things on the to-do list, I would open the refrigerator door to see the brown paper bags lined up ready for the backpacks. He knew that making school luncheons was one of my least favorite chores and by getting them ready for me, especially on days that I went to work outside the home, was an act of love. It was a small thing but meaningful to me and our relationship.

I think the raising of the axe was a small but meaningful act for the gentleman who lost the axe and for those who witnessed it. Not only did it help out the borrower in the relationship with the one whose axe he borrowed, but I imagine it also gave him a special connection to God, knowing that God heard and responded to his distress.

I think of Luke’s verse, “if you are faithful in small things, you will be faithful in large ones.” If the God of the Universe cares about the smallest things that we care about, how much more will He care about the big issues that we face.

I know many people who might consider asking God for help when things are tough. The foxhole prayer. (Save me, Lord while bombs are whistling through the air.). They’ll offer big prayers: healing from disease, safety and protection from harm, strength during a really stressful time. But they might be hesitant to request from God anything that seems small and insignificant.

This story reminds me that nothing is too small and insignificant. If it is on our hearts and minds, it is on God’s heart and mind and is important to God.

What about you? Do you tell God about small details in your life? Or do you not want to “bother” Him? Has God ever “floated an axe” for you? Do you only come to God when it is a “big one”?

It is a symmetric property of thinking. (A=B, then B=A) If we let God handle the big things in our lives, we can also let Him handle the small. I believe that God’s care for us is for everything in our lives. I liken it to our children. I want to know what is going on in their lives- the big and small things. Maybe I am nosy (as I am sometimes accused) but it is more that I love them beyond words and want to know what they are thinking, what issues concern them, what makes them happy. I want to have a relationship with them. So too with God. He wants a relationship with each one of us. What better way than to share with Him the big and small things.

Reflections on Time

She pulls up to the ATM, gets out her card and thinks, “How much do I need this week? I have so many things to do: running the kids to soccer practice, piano lessons, math tutoring; then the PTA meeting; prepping for big client’s meeting at work. Gosh, then we have our dentist appointments. Oh, and then I am taking mom to the doctors. I guess I’ll withdrawal another ten… hours.”

The Time Bank- where we can deposit and withdrawal time as we need it.

I don’t know about you- but some days I wish there were a time bank. While we know it doesn’t exist, I suspect we would love to have that type of institution-a place where we can store up extra time (those miraculous days when we have arrived a few minutes early to our destination) or take out extra time when our weeks are overly packed and time is in short-supply.

The thing about time is that once past, it never returns. Kind of like squeezing a tube of toothpaste and having the toothpaste run out over the sink- you can never put the toothpaste back into the tube.

When you think about our usage of the word “time” it is used as a commodity: spending time, finding time, losing time, wasting time, time is money, over time, marking time, buying time, playing for time.

We talk about time flying- usually in relation to an engaged activity that we enjoy. Or about time moving so slowly- when we have the type of activity that seems to drone on and on.

I am always fascinated about time and how we, as humans perceive time and our response to it. I am always interested in ways to use my time wisely. There is a British author Oliver Burkeman who writes about the concept of 4000 weeks. (same name as his book) According to him, that is the average amount of time each of us has if we live to the age of 80. In some ways that seems like a lot of time, in others (especially those of us who are closer to that number than not) it seems so short. The big premise for Burkeman is that one should be “organizing your days with the understanding that you definitely won’t have time for everything you want to do". In knowing one cannot do everything, then one can decide on which tasks to focus on and which tasks to neglect. In essence, knowing what is important to you and letting the other things go.

I recently heard a psychologist on the radio program Hidden Brain also talk about taking control of our time. The researcher experienced what all of us do at some point- we are either overly busy and rushing from one thing to another, or we find ourselves with too much discretionary time- feeling bored and unproductive. What is the happy balance?

According to this psychologist, we need to rethink our concept of time: In some ways, to recognize that it is a precious commodity that is not infinite. There will be a time when there won’t be time. She gave the following exercise: “So if you reflect back on your past week and identify what was a moment of joy, oftentimes it's a very ordinary experience. And so what I encourage people to do is count how many times have you done that in your life so far? And then to count how many times do you have left to do it in your life.”

She gave the following example of a student in her late twenties who counted her dinners with her parents including from her childhood into adulthood when her parents would visit her at college and then currently as she was living nearby her parents and had weekly Sunday night dinners. And she counted all of those up and realized that she had had about 6,800 dinners with her parents thus far in her life and most likely 575 dinners left. As the researcher continued in her interview.

“That is, she (the student) had only 8% of her dinners with her parents left. And that's impactful because what it does is it leads her to A, make the time. No matter how busy she feels, that with that recognition, she is going to show up for the Sunday night dinner. But even beyond that, at the dinners, it changes how she engages in that time. What she used to view as nagging comments, she would just let roll off her shoulders, and instead she redirected the conversation to learn about her parents, recognizing that their time together is limited and more consequently is really precious. And so wanting to make the most of it.”

Rather than feeling depressed about the limit of time, I want to make the most of the time I’ve been given. While it is important to “number our days” as the psalmist tells us, I think it is more important to not worry about that. Rather, to enjoy each given day, for as we know, no one really knows when our life will be over.

How do we keep the time tension in balance? To feel busy enough that we are satisfied with our activities, relationships and time spent but not feeling anxious, guilty or frenetic? I have been thinking more and more about the ancient Hebrew writers and the book of Ecclesiastes- to every thing there is a season. There are seasons in our lives that may be very busy and times when we do not have all the family responsibilities. It is in realizing the big picture on our lives, that there is time for different things to happen- it does not all have to be done right now.

I also think that steeping ourselves in gratitude- being grateful for whatever the day brings, helps us to be focused on what that day brings. To be intentionally aware-whether we are thoroughly aware of our rushed days or focusing in on the days of waiting.

I recently read a book about a woman who intentionally and regularly practices silence and solitude. (I mentioned it in the last blog post.) She takes 2 days a month when she is silent for 24 hours. While that may not be my thing- [yikes I, who once had a teacher throw an eraser at me for chatting in class- in all fairness I was helping another student out, cannot imagine being silent!] I was intrigued by her observation that when she removed herself from the societal norms of speaking, background noise and clatter, she was able to observe and be more present in her situation: she found that she was relishing each activity, even simple tasks like making her morning oatmeal.

We need time in our lives to pause and ponder. To provide a space for wonder in this world. I think that is one of the reasons why God created us for Sabbath- to put the regular break and pause into our busy lives. The sabbath was made for man (Mark 2:27) as Jesus reminds us. When we pause and ponder, we create natural stop gaps in the frenetic thinking: time to wonder if the activities/energies that will be spent in the upcoming weeks really satisfy the purpose of my being?

I am still trying to learn how to make the best use of my days, but in reading what researchers say, I imagine that it comes to a bunch of mind set changes:

  • Choosing the best for our days: the activities that give us purpose.

  • Balancing things that care for ourselves and others. Loving our neighbors as we love ourselves.

  • Practicing gratitude in all that we do. When are grateful- even in our rushed days, we take on a more outward-looking perspective of life. Gratitude creates a natural pause in the frenetic.

  • Wondering why we are doing the activities that we do. To ensure that we do activities that we truly enjoy. It might not be all the time, but that there is some activity that brings joy. Of course, some things just have to be done- there is no navel gazing or joy in Mudville in having to routinely clean house, or working in a mindless job that is necessary to pay the mortgage, health bills, etc. But we perhaps we can find some type of joy in whatever the activity?

What about you? How are you with time? Do you manage your time like there is a bank for it? Hoping to deposit for any lost time?

If there were a time bank, there would be limited deposits for as the author Christopher Rice says, “Every day is a bank account, and time is our currency. No one is rich, no one is poor, we’ve got 24 hours each.”

Stranger Suggestions

Have you ever encountered a stranger whose conversation or actions resonated with you?

Such was an encounter for me over the weekend. My husband and I had biked to one of the villages near our get-away cottage. We wanted to see if one of the cook stores had a replacement part for our coffee pot. (Alas, it did not.) However the trip was worth it as the sales clerk was so interesting to talk to. An attractive woman in her late 60’s/70’s she was manning the small cookware store. The village was somewhat busy with visiting tourists meandering up and down main street, entering stores and perusing the wares. Most were carrying bags containing bought items that they didn’t know were a necessity until they happened to stumble upon it on their holiday.

The sales person in the store had a soft Southern accent. When asked, “Where were you from originally as you definitely sound from south of the Mason-Dixon line?” She replied that she had lived all over the South: Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, South and North Carolina. About 14 years ago, she “ran away” as she puts it. From what- not sure. From whom- her Yankee husband. (Although she ran right up to New England. A conversation for another time, for sure.) In the intervening years, she has been renting a home from a local author. When she mentioned where she lived, it is very close to my old summer childhood stomping grounds. It was fun to reminisce about that area. Sadly, any of the people I knew from then have moved on or died.

She mentioned the name of the author- Anne LeClair with whose work I was not familiar. She told us two things about knowing Anne that I thought were quite interesting and thought provoking. One, that Anne has taken two days a month, every month for YEARS and practices silence on those days. Apparently Anne wrote a memoir, Listening Below the Noise, about that practice which I now want to read.

Two, after their last child left the nest, Anne made an appointment with a marital counselor for her and her husband. According to our salesperson, Anne’s husband was perplexed as to why, but the counselor commended them for taking this proactive/preventative step in their relationship- that this was the perfect time. One of the things that the counselor suggested was that they have a set time each day for communication. Time when one spouse “had the floor” and could speak uninterrupted for five minutes. The listening spouse could ask questions but no comments. After the five minutes, they would then switch roles. It gave the couple a chance to re-establish their relationship. As our new found friend said, “Anne is an incredible listener. She has taught me that it is okay to have pauses in my conversations and to not feel awkward about silences in those conversations.”

I found the following clip on youtube of Anne speaking at a seminar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47Za0OcDCSw

As the youtube clip says, she noticed that when she was silent and heard others speaking- she was moved from her own ego reaction- that person is annoying, egotistical, narcissistic, etc. to recognizing what was being said underneath the words: that all people just want is to be seen, heard, recognized and have a sense of belonging. Being silent gave her greater empathy and compassion for others.

I have been most intrigued by this idea and her process. I haven’t read her book yet, but did request it from the library. In some ways, I like the idea of space in our silent days leading to space in our heads to ponder, think and mull things over. A day of silence which gives us permission to slow down and enjoy the day with whatever unfolds.

She notes in the youtube clip that choosing silence is empowering. It provides time to listen- to others, to one’s surroundings, and to oneself. As she spoke, it made me think of Jesus. He never was rushed in his encounters with others. He always listened to what was being said and responded to the heart of the matter- that which the speaker was truly desiring and expressing even if the speaker didn’t acknowledge it at the time. I can’t help but think that his practice of withdrawing from the crowds and disciples and spending time in prayer was what enabled him to be that present for others (setting His divinity aside).

What about you? Have you ever had a period of silence? How and why did that come about? Was it intentional? Did you learn anything from that experience? How are you at listening?

I am excited about reading the book and trying some days of silence. I have been thinking about what it might look like and how I can change the pattern of my days to be present. Already, from our encounter over the weekend, I am intentionally trying to be a better listener and to hear what is being said. Who knows? Maybe if I have an encounter with a stranger, I can pass along the suggestions that I received?

Balance

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about balance. How it is so necessary in all aspects of our lives but so hard to execute and/or maintain. I have always struggled with balance- whether it was work/life balance, helping others/self-care, being present/future planning.

Alas, this in NOT me. If I were she, I would be tumbling into the water below.

Physically, I find myself off-balance more often than I like. Just the other day I was walking along a brick path by our house and before I knew it, caught myself from falling. My foot must have just turned on the slightly raised brick. Of course, I was in my usual mode, scurrying along and thinking of multiple things at once rather than where I was placing my feet. To try and combat my clumsiness, I do practice yoga every so often and work on balance poses. At first it was quite awkward, trying to stand on one leg like a flamingo, but I have improved.

Mentally and emotionally, I try to stay balanced in the expenditure of my time and mental energy. Try is the operative word because I must say that this is very difficult for me. I find myself, more often than not, “giving” my time away to others. Not that it is such a bad thing- it is very important to help another. The other day I heard someone talk about “the helper’s high”- that satisfaction that one gets in helping another person. It was a concept that was coined in the 1980’s. Not only is helping beneficial for the one being helped but it does benefit the helper: satisfaction in life, increased endorphins, decrease stress hormones, etc. While it may have been termed then, it is a universal truth: God made us for community. What better way to tie us together than to realize that we need to help one another.

I have said this before but the fastest way for me to get out of a funk is to help someone else. Apparently there is science data that backs that up. (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30424992/)

Yet, the helper’s high comes with pros and cons. Helping too much and not providing for self rest and rejuvenation can cause compassion burnout, fatigue and bitterness/fear of ever helping again. I know that in the past, I have been burned out through multiple volunteer activities. I lacked any pacing or boundaries with my “helping”. It has taken me a while to feel comfortable enough to get as involved as I would like in a variety of community activities. I am still figuring out the right balance.

I find I struggle with balance in the execution of my day- I want to be present and in the moment, yet I find myself planning for the “next thing” on my schedule. The more chaotic my life becomes, the more I find myself planning. I realize that over planning is really a way to control any chaos. Again, not that it is a bad thing but by not balancing the planning with the current moment robs me of enjoyment of that current moment.

In the practice of being physically balanced- whether that is from a standing position, on a balance beam or in a precarious spot, there are certain behaviors that help one remain upright and not fall: eyes need to remain focused in one spot, core muscles (abdomen) need to be engaged, arms or a leg may need to be extended or lightly placed on a wall or ground to counterbalance the posture.

Those concepts can be applied to being emotionally and mentally balanced. We need to keep our eyes fixed on a certain point- our “eyes on the prize”- whether that is a specific goal or our overall life goal. For me, keeping my eyes on Jesus- whether that is making tough decisions (the old line- What would Jesus do?), keeping my thoughts and actions in line with Jesus when chaos is swirling around me or figuring out what is God’s best in any given situation- helps me stay upright. When I rely on God for my future, and to some extent the plans for that future, I can enjoy the moments that I have. I don’t need to be frantic for the “next thing”. Maintaining a strong core of faith through reading the Bible gives me a foundation to hold firm when circumstances knock me over. As I try to remain balanced, having others who keep me accountable and ask me how I am doing or remind me of my weaknesses help counterbalance my tendency to try it on my own.

What about you? Do you feel balanced? In work and life? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? If so, how do you maintain that balance? If not, what can you do to practice a more balanced lifestyle?

One of my favorite Bible verses: A false weight is an abomination to the Lord. While it was written for those who were in charge of using weights and measures and was a reminder of the severity of cheating, I always thought of it as a reminder to stay balanced. God wants us to be balanced in our lives. Just as Peter did walk on water for the brief moments he kept his eyes fixed on Jesus, so too can we be balanced in our lives if we keep focused on Jesus and what God has for our lives.

Tending the Garden

The NYTimes article caught my eye: The Health Benefits of Gardening. While I have always espoused and stated that being outside in nature and mucking about in the garden is good for us, it is nice to have validation through different research studies. The benefits make sense, especially to anyone who has worked in a garden: increases physical health- all that raking, shoveling, toting, digging, bending; increases well-being- feeling a sense of purpose, meaning; fostering connection- to one another (especially in community gardens or gardening clubs) and to nature; lowering cortisol (stress hormone); bolsters immunity- getting one’s hands dirty and the exposed microbes.

I love to garden. I love to see things grow. But most of all, I think I just like to play in the dirt.

In moving to a new home, I have been thinking about what type of garden I would like to have. We have finished most of our indoor renovations and it is time to focus my attention on the outside. The house is over 100 years old and is in New England. I have always been partial to cottage gardens and while the house isn’t exactly cottage looking, it does have that certain feel to it.

I decided to make a small cottage garden in the front yard. Last year I was able to put that in. Surprisingly, it is not doing too poorly in a year’s time. This year, I plan to have our veg patch and some herbaceous borders in the side yard as that gets the best sun. While I have always been a “gardener” (very loosely stated since, as I have said, I really just play in the dirt), our previous home was quite shady and so I could never grow any vegetables.

This side yard is quite sunny. We’ve put in some raised vegetable beds. One of the local nurseries offers a CSA (community supported agriculture) with seedlings rather than the typical harvested fruit or vegetable. We received seedlings in April (cool weather crops), May (warm weather crops) and will receive some in August (fall crops). So far, so good. We have enjoyed lettuce and some of the herbs. Broccoli is coming along and the peas will need to be picked sometime this week. I can’t say that we have had a high yield, but we haven’t had the million dollar tomato either- You know how it goes, you spend lots of time, effort and money for plants, soil, containers and all you receive for your labors is one pathetic tomato.

What tickles me each and every time I tend to the garden are the lessons learned:

  • It is easier to pull out a small pokeberry weed than one that has been established.

  • Some seedlings have similar characteristics as the adult plant-in the way it looks or smells.

  • Certain seedlings, are hard to tell what they will develop into. Rest assured they will be weeds.

  • Some people’s weeds are others’ perennials.

  • If you do not mark a plant, you will forget what was planted there by the next season, or even the next week.

  • Pruning and cutting out dead wood is necessary for healthy plants.

  • Plants (dividing) and its “offspring” (fruit, blossoms, veg)- need to be shared. Not only is it healthier for the plant, it is healthy for the giver and receiver.

  • Deadheading and tidying up the garden throughout the garden season keeps the garden looking fresh.

  • Plants need a good beginning: healthy soil, water, sun, space (not too crowded).

  • Consistent watering is key.

  • Different plants have different growing requirements. The right plant in the right location will thrive.

  • Mulch covers a multitude of sins.

I like the word tend: to watch over; pay attention; stand by in readiness to prevent mischance; serve, cultivate; foster. In the archiac meaning, tend was to listen. Tending a garden makes me think of the word tender- that we are gentle and caring for the little patch of the world within our care.

But I also wonder what the world would look like if we tended to the large garden we call earth. To be tender to all the inhabitants- not just the flora and fauna but the animals and people. What if we really listened to those around us? Paid attention? Are we willing to stand by in readiness to prevent mischance happening to our neighbors or community? Do we watch over the people in our care?

What about you? Are you a gardener? What have you learned?

For all the jokes about oldest professions, gardening is the oldest. Adam and Eve were given charge over the earth. Not to abuse the earth through careless decisions but to be stewards of it- seeing to the well-being of all that lives and grows on it. All that we have developed as human kind is a marvel but I can’t help wondering if we have removed ourselves too much from the natural world. Perhaps all of us should, in our own way, begin tending to garden.