Together, yet alone.

That could be the slogan to sum up our current existence and interactions in society. We are, in some sense, more together than ever- technology can bring people together from far flung places in our planet. We can connect on any day of the week and at any time of day, yet the feeling of belonging and community is disappearing. Because of technology, one would think that in this period in history we would be the most social civilization ever but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

In the latest The Atlantic Magazine, the cover article “The Anti-Social Century” speaks about the change to the way we interact with one another. There are many reasons but technology seems to be one area that has changed how we interact: The automobile created distant suburban homes, the home television became the evening entertainment and the smart phone became the conduit for solo social interactions.

We are not inclined to join groups or organizations that would give us a sense of belonging. Over the last twenty years, professional organizations, service clubs, social clubs and religious organizations have been declining in membership. Even the percentage of 12th graders going out with their friends two or more times a week has dramatically declined from @ 80% in the 1980s to below 50% in 2020. There is a dramatic sharp decline around the time of the introduction to smart phones.

According to psychiatry.org, in a 2024 poll by the American Psychiatry Association (APA), 30% of respondents say that they feel lonely at least once a week and 10% feel lonely every day. Loneliness is described as “feeling like you do not have meaning or close relationships or a sense of belonging.” According to that poll, when Americans feel lonely, 50% will use a form of distraction like TV, podcasts or social media.

“Clearly we believe technology can be used to connect with others,” said APA CEO and Medical Director Saul Levin, M.D., M.P.A. “In some cases, it seems to be helping us reach people who become part of our inner circles or to communicate with those who already are. However, distracting yourself when you’re feeling lonely with social media might be a double-edged sword: while it can connect, it can also lead to feelings of missing out, and we need to make sure we remain conscious of its effects on our mood. In this tech-heavy world, we should not forget the value of in-person interaction.”

It seems as if our loneliness doesn’t have anything to do with solitude and silence or even “togetherness”. Many times we feel like we do not belong when we are in the middle of much “noise”- in the form of instagram posts, youtube videos, podcasts, or streaming services.

We have all seen those pictures of a social gathering, say around a diner table, and everyone seems to have their head down, engaged in something that is on their phone.

The fact that people are on their screens doesn’t necessarily mean they are alone. Many might be in a group, but no one is interacting- just scrolling, texting or watching individually. While social media has brought people together- reunions of old friends, long lost relatives, individuals with similar health conditions, political leanings, etc. it has mostly been a place where we are together (tethered by technology) but really alone (individual watches and engages).

We have an interesting relationship with solitude. We seem to attribute alone with loneliness but it doesn’t necessarily mean the same. One can be alone but not lonely and one can be in a crowd and very lonely, almost as if the crowd amplifies the feeling of loneliness. Ironically, it is in our alone times that we can process and prepare for our time together. Of course we have those people who are extremely introverted while others are extremely extroverted and then there is the spectrum in between, which is most of us. We need socialization for our psychological, mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical health. And we also need solitude for those same reasons.

The following chart looks at the benefits of solitude vs community. As humans, we need both. It appears that there are almost equal benefits to solitude and community. The yin and yang of existence.

I have been more and more interested in what they call Rule of Life. When we last went to Canada we visited a Benedictine Abbey and purchased a book in their gift shop about the Benedictine way of life. There are five practices: prayer, work, study, hospitality, renewal. While monastic life lends itself to more contemplation and solitude, there is a pattern to their days. A balance of solitude and community.

As a Christ follower, I turn to Jesus and how He handled the two seemingly oppositions of solitude and community. There are plenty of stories that Jesus loved a gathering- socializing over food and fellowship but that He also practiced solitude- the need to get away by Himself and engage with God.

Jesus modeled how one can and should be balancing our lives. We need to take time for that renewal through our time alone with God in order to engage in community- to have margin in our lives so that we do not get burned out in either situations- to not to feel lonely and to not feel overwhelmed and overstressed.

But as it is discussed in The Atlantic article, we have to do more than just be together via technology. We need to be face-to-face with our loved ones and family. But we also need to be face-to-face with our neighbors and those people who are familiar to us but not necessarily intimate friends or family. It is in the villages of our lives that we learn empathy, patience, productive disagreements and compromise.

In thinking about the way I spend my days, I realize that I need to put into balance the practice of solitude vs. engaging with others. I need to model my days after Jesus.

A while back I posted about the book, Listening Below the Noise. (August 21, 2024) I must confess that I have yet to practice a day of silence/solitude. I am looking forward to trying it but have yet to plan a day on my calendar. Sadly, I have to schedule it first before it becomes a regular practice.

Due to geographic locations, health, or timing, it is wonderful to have the technology to connect with friends and family. For example, I am grateful for technology to be able to share my thoughts via this blog. Yet, I find myself drawn in to a practice of spending more time with technology than perhaps with real people- checking my phone, looking up meaningless “facts” online (not for any type of knowledge or benefit). While I need solitude, I also need (sometimes have to force myself) into physical community- going out of comfort zone to engage with my neighbors or joining a group. I am learning to engage, listen and enjoy those who live around me.

What about you? How do you balance the two? Do you? How are you with solitude? Being quiet, alone and with your own thoughts? Or do you have to have something in the background? Do you have to look at your phone? How often in a day? Do you interact with others? Face-to-face? Do you belong to any organizations? Do you feel a sense of belonging?

While it is scary to read how fast society is changing, I try to remember that our basic human nature hasn’t changed. We can be together and alone. It is a matter of choice and, as humans, we can control that choice.