Stranger Suggestions

Have you ever encountered a stranger whose conversation or actions resonated with you?

Such was an encounter for me over the weekend. My husband and I had biked to one of the villages near our get-away cottage. We wanted to see if one of the cook stores had a replacement part for our coffee pot. (Alas, it did not.) However the trip was worth it as the sales clerk was so interesting to talk to. An attractive woman in her late 60’s/70’s she was manning the small cookware store. The village was somewhat busy with visiting tourists meandering up and down main street, entering stores and perusing the wares. Most were carrying bags containing bought items that they didn’t know were a necessity until they happened to stumble upon it on their holiday.

The sales person in the store had a soft Southern accent. When asked, “Where were you from originally as you definitely sound from south of the Mason-Dixon line?” She replied that she had lived all over the South: Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, South and North Carolina. About 14 years ago, she “ran away” as she puts it. From what- not sure. From whom- her Yankee husband. (Although she ran right up to New England. A conversation for another time, for sure.) In the intervening years, she has been renting a home from a local author. When she mentioned where she lived, it is very close to my old summer childhood stomping grounds. It was fun to reminisce about that area. Sadly, any of the people I knew from then have moved on or died.

She mentioned the name of the author- Anne LeClair with whose work I was not familiar. She told us two things about knowing Anne that I thought were quite interesting and thought provoking. One, that Anne has taken two days a month, every month for YEARS and practices silence on those days. Apparently Anne wrote a memoir, Listening Below the Noise, about that practice which I now want to read.

Two, after their last child left the nest, Anne made an appointment with a marital counselor for her and her husband. According to our salesperson, Anne’s husband was perplexed as to why, but the counselor commended them for taking this proactive/preventative step in their relationship- that this was the perfect time. One of the things that the counselor suggested was that they have a set time each day for communication. Time when one spouse “had the floor” and could speak uninterrupted for five minutes. The listening spouse could ask questions but no comments. After the five minutes, they would then switch roles. It gave the couple a chance to re-establish their relationship. As our new found friend said, “Anne is an incredible listener. She has taught me that it is okay to have pauses in my conversations and to not feel awkward about silences in those conversations.”

I found the following clip on youtube of Anne speaking at a seminar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47Za0OcDCSw

As the youtube clip says, she noticed that when she was silent and heard others speaking- she was moved from her own ego reaction- that person is annoying, egotistical, narcissistic, etc. to recognizing what was being said underneath the words: that all people just want is to be seen, heard, recognized and have a sense of belonging. Being silent gave her greater empathy and compassion for others.

I have been most intrigued by this idea and her process. I haven’t read her book yet, but did request it from the library. In some ways, I like the idea of space in our silent days leading to space in our heads to ponder, think and mull things over. A day of silence which gives us permission to slow down and enjoy the day with whatever unfolds.

She notes in the youtube clip that choosing silence is empowering. It provides time to listen- to others, to one’s surroundings, and to oneself. As she spoke, it made me think of Jesus. He never was rushed in his encounters with others. He always listened to what was being said and responded to the heart of the matter- that which the speaker was truly desiring and expressing even if the speaker didn’t acknowledge it at the time. I can’t help but think that his practice of withdrawing from the crowds and disciples and spending time in prayer was what enabled him to be that present for others (setting His divinity aside).

What about you? Have you ever had a period of silence? How and why did that come about? Was it intentional? Did you learn anything from that experience? How are you at listening?

I am excited about reading the book and trying some days of silence. I have been thinking about what it might look like and how I can change the pattern of my days to be present. Already, from our encounter over the weekend, I am intentionally trying to be a better listener and to hear what is being said. Who knows? Maybe if I have an encounter with a stranger, I can pass along the suggestions that I received?

Profiling Close to Home

Our house is located on a non-through street. While it is not a dead end, it is shaped more like a horseshoe. It makes our neighborhood semi-secluded for traffic. Generally the cars that navigate the street are ones belonging to the residents and their guests.  The homes are close together so that the children can play out on the street and front yards while the adults can talk over raking leaves, shoveling snow and monitoring children. 

Yesterday I witnessed racial profiling in our neighborhood.  It made me quite uncomfortable and it made me wonder what I can and cannot do about it.

I was outside on our front lawn raking leaves. As I am want to do, with any car passing I usually look up and wave.  Most times I recognize the car and driver but if I don't, I still wave because we have had some new neighbors move in and I am not completely sure of all their identities. 

A car I didn't recognize was driving quite slowly down our street.  It was obvious that they were looking for a specific house number.  After a turn-around in a driveway and two failed attempts to park on the curved street, the car stopped across the street from where I was.  I was about to approach the car and offer the driver a suggestion for easier parking when a police officer drove up.  He started to ask me a question then said never mind and proceeded to get out of his car and approached the parked one.  He rapped on the window and said, "Hey, what are you doing here?" As he spoke I cringed because the tone wasn't so nice. The woman was polite in explaining that she was here to do some cleaning and wondered why she was questioned "because I am black?"

The officer accompanied her to the house of her appointment and very shortly got back into his car. The woman then came back to her car to get her equipment.  I went over to talk to her and apologized for the general misunderstanding.  I explained that there had been a bunch of break-ins in our neighborhood recently and the community association was told by police to call them if someone we didn't recognize was in the neighborhood.  We had a nice chat.  She told me where she worked and how she knew our neighbor. I offered her a place to park in our driveway if she ever had trouble parking. 

I found the incident disturbing.  Partly because it was embarrassing that one of our neighbors felt threatened by a "stranger" in our midst and called the police . Just because she didn't look like one of us.  I wondered, will the neighbors now be calling the police on my sons' friends when they come over to our home to visit? 

 I felt disturbed because in the few minutes that the officer and woman were validating her reason to be in our neighborhood, I had the panicked feeling, "What if she thinks I called the police?  What if she really isn't here for legitimate reasons and decides to retaliate?"  I was disturbed that I had that thought at all. 

I also was embarrassed that the police officer's tone wasn't nicer.  It seemed to go in line with all that I hear on the radio about the clashes with police and people of color.   But then again, I haven't walked in his shoes, seen what he has seen nor am privy to what he knows. 

I understand why my neighbor called. I realized afterwards who probably did make the call.  These folks have had a number of break-ins at their home over the last couple of months.  They are overly cautious.

I can see why the racial problems are escalating. It doesn't take very long nor take much imagination to have a full scale misunderstanding.  Thank goodness the woman was very gracious.  

What can be done?  I do think conversation and getting to know one another is key. I generally don't like to get involved with neighborhood things but I somehow felt that I should reach out to that woman.  I am glad I did.

I also realize that sometimes things happen, misunderstandings occur and it is a risk to try to rectify.  If the woman did suspect that I called the police and I had not talked to her, both of us would've have continued building the wall of stereotype and division.  She would've thought I was another paranoid privileged white person and I would've thought that she was another defensive black person.

Sometimes trying to reach out and talk doesn't help at all.  The walls are quite thick. Neither party wants to hear what the other has to say.  Judgements and ideas are solidly formed. But over time, walls can be chipped away. Thoughts can be changed.  Stereotypes can be laid to rest. 

There is a great story of racial tension and transformation called The Best of Enemies:

"C. P. Ellis grew up in the poor white section of Durham, North Carolina, and as a young man joined the Ku Klux Klan. Ann Atwater, a single mother from the poor black part of town, quit her job as a household domestic to join the civil rights fight. During the 1960s, as the country struggled with the explosive issue of race, Atwater and Ellis met on opposite sides of the public school integration issue. Their encounters were charged with hatred and suspicion. In an amazing set of transformations, however, each of them came to see how the other had been exploited by the South's rigid power structure, and they forged a friendship that flourished against a backdrop of unrelenting bigotry.

Rich with details about the rhythms of daily life in the mid-twentieth-century South, The Best of Enemies offers a vivid portrait of a relationship that defied all odds. By placing this very personal story into broader context, Osha Gray Davidson demonstrates that race is intimately tied to issues of class, and that cooperation is possible--even in the most divisive situations--when people begin to listen to one another." (taken from the sales description at UNC press)

I still am stumped about the best way to handle situations like those I witnessed but I hope that by keeping the dialogue and conversations open, we might be able to have some type of break through in our racial divide. 

What about you?  Have you ever witnessed or been part of racial profiling?  What happened?  How did it make you feel?  

Have you ever experienced profiling close to home? 

Empathy

   There is a beautiful video from the Cleveland Clinic setting the groundwork for empathy.  Click here to see the video.  What I love about this four minute montage is that is reminds me that every person we encounter throughout our day has a story.  One could argue that a hospital intensifies situations but I think if you did a similar montage in a mall, school or local street your would see the same spectrum of fears, heartbreak, pain and joy.

I know that I have written a lot about empathy.  It just seems as if there isn't much of it going around.  Everyday there is another story of a group of people not getting along, harming each other with words or actions and ripping apart the fabric of our society.  It is another story of people thinking of themselves and not of anyone else. It is another story of people not being empathetic to one another. 

I guess like any other habit or behavior we want to change it is best to recognize the problem first. When people only think of themselves it comes out in their speech- "I, mine, me."  How many times do we talk about ourselves only?  Do we use the "I,mine, me" language more than the "you, yours, us"?  Certainly in this political environment, one doesn't have to look far to hear examples.  There is a fun country song by Toby Keith called "I Wanna Talk about Me."   The chorus goes: "Wanna talk about me; Wanna talk about I; Wanna talk about number one; Oh my me my; What I think; what I like; what I know; what I want; what I see; I like talking about you, you, you, you usually; But occasionally; I wanna talk about Me."  I know that times I have to stop myself and honestly ask, am I doing that?

We can start paying attention to those around us. We might not be comfortable asking the person standing behind us online at the grocery story, "How's it really going?" but we could offer a smile and say a silent prayer that today they would receive whatever they need to keep going. We can recognize that there might be something big going on in their lives.  Bigger and more important then the purchase of a loaf of bread, bananas and milk.  We can recognize that a little kindness might be all they need to separate a lousy day from a pretty good one.   

We can start by keeping the lines of communication open to our family, friends and neighbors. Whether we want to ask the people around us how they are, we can still be aware of the nuances of their reactions, statements and behaviors.  Many times it is through the simple act of spending time together and listening to each other that we can start to develop empathy and consideration for others. 

What about you?  How's your empathy level?  Have you ever spent a day wondering about the unsaid realities of the people you meet?