You ever have one of those weeks? Your thoughts are jumbled. Your words are stilted. Your actions are clumsy. Your behavior erratic. Your concentration is shot.

This past week has been one of those weeks. In some ways it was just a week ago (maybe longer- time is another thing that gets scrambled) that my husband and I were traveling to our Cape home for a weeklong vacation. We were there just about 24 hours when we had to turn around home.

You know the drill- The one time you turn off your phone so that you can concentrate on a specific task (we were attending an online church service) that you receive a voice mail with the words you don’t want to hear, “Your mother was taken to the local hospital because she had fallen in her room.”

A quick repacking of the car, a return down the same stretch of highway we had traveled less than 24 hours prior, numerous phone calls to the hospital, recorded voice messages, the wait for return calls only to have three calls come in at once, discovering that only 1 family member may visit during limited hours (which we had now missed for that day) for the duration of the stay and that person’s name must be given to the nurse at that moment as we are barreling across the Tappen Zee Bridge.

This week has been surreal. Time is not our own. So much hurry up and wait. Not much progress or information of progress from the medical staff and then- “She is being discharged this afternoon.” What? To where? She still is in pain. Another flurry of phone calls, recorded voice messages, the wait for return calls, only to discover that once transferred out of the hospital, she will be in quarantine for fourteen days in the rehab center. Another flurry of phone calls to see if there was any possible way that we could just see her as I felt in my heart, we may never get to see her again.

Because of COVID, there really is nothing we can do- no visits, no sitting with her during the day, no being there when the doctors and health staff make their rounds, no puttering around the room trying to make her comfortable, no familiar faces to soothe her agitated dementia/Alzheimer state. Knowing that in two weeks when the quarantine rules are met, we still may never get to see her as outside visitation is trickier in these cooler months. Knowing too, it will be a marathon of daily care/visitation/phone calls, once (if) we are finally allowed inside visits.

What to do in the meantime? I have no level of concentration at the moment. In thinking over the numerous times acute crisis have happened in my life, I realized I naturally fall into a pattern of actively waiting. Probably not due to any great character quality but rather because I am more hyper than I care to admit. I need to be busy.

I need to actively wait: to do something productive that keeps my mind engaged but not too taxed. I have found that when I am doing rote physical things (ironing, painting a room, cleaning, gardening) I can think of what I need to do next and let my mind wander. Actively waiting helps me control the things I can: if I can get something accomplished while I wait, I feel that I can handle what comes down the pike. I also find that in those times I am in a perfect position to pray for others. Thinking and praying for others while I am “going through the motions” helps keep my situation in perspective. Alas, the list of people for whom my heart is broken is growing.

“Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction that something is happening where you are and that you want to be present to it. A waiting person is someone who is present to the moment, who believes that this moment is the moment.” Henri Nouwen

In this day and age, waiting seems to be seen as a passive and therefore negative action; waiting for the diagnosis, the other shoe to drop, the “phone call”. In essence, waiting for the next round of bad news. It is feeling that one is a sitting target for all the bad karma of the world.

I am reminded of the waiting times of life: waiting for the birth of a baby, waiting for the wedding day, waiting for the start of a new job or new career, waiting to hear if the offer on a house is accepted. The delay that is caused by waiting builds anticipation and excitement, allows time for validation of the decision and justifies the wait. The waiting becomes part of the whole experience.

What about you? Are you waiting for something? Something “good” or just the “shoe to drop”? How do you handle those waiting times?

I find comfort in the words of Isaiah (40:31) “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings of eagles, they shall run and not be weary.” I cannot say that I am the most patient in waiting, but I am trying to recognize that even as I wait, something is happening in the situation where I find myself: if nothing else, I am learning to lean and be strengthened by God.