Recently a friend of mine who has known me almost my entire adult life said that he felt the “old me” was back. He recognized that I had had some trying times the last couple of years and that at our last meeting he felt that I was back as the person of yore.

On one hand I felt honored that he cared enough to say something and that he recognized my distress over the years. On the other, I was embarrassed to think that perhaps I didn’t exhibit as much “grace under pressure” as I had hoped or thought I had over those years. Yikes!

But the more I thought about it, I realized that my return to the “old me” was due to resurrecting a dream deferred. Laying aside a dream is kind of like checking a coat: When you cannot keep a coat with you- whether visiting a museum, theater or dinner, you turn it in to an attendant who hangs it up on a numbered hanger. In return you get a chit or piece of paper with an identifying corresponding number or letter on it. Your items are carefully stored and watched and when you are done with whatever you are doing, you turn in your chit for your respective item. You don’t have to worry about your checked items. They are being attended to by the attendant.

For a good number of years, I had to lay aside my writing plans in order to attend to the needs of others. At the time I felt that I had thrown away those plans and the thought crushed my soul. I was internally angry, upset and disappointed. It was especially hard because I thought that writing was my “calling” and God’s plan for my life. I was doubting whether I had “heard” correctly?

I hadn’t gotten it “wrong”, I just had to wait. In essence I was just checking the dreams: they were still there. I just had to delay until the time was right for me to collect them.

My hopes and dreams were put on a shelf for a little while. At the time I thought they were completely dried up and the thought did make my heart sick. I didn’t think that many people noticed but my friend must’ve recognized something. When we are disappointed with life we do have a tendency to change our demeanor. I just wished that I had realized that even though the dream was deferred, it was still there. God was carefully storing and watching over them. If I had realized that, I would’ve appreciated that deferred time better. I wouldn’t have wasted energy kicking, screaming and behaving badly before God. In essence, I would’ve enjoyed the meal and not worried about my checked coat.

The thing is, the experiences that I had while my dreams were “sitting” have aided me in what I am doing now. In truth, nothing is wasted in God’s economy. Even our disappointments can be used for good. I realized that my feeling “heart sick” was not necessarily the delayed dream but the feeling of hopelessness that it wouldn’t happen. When hope seems lost there is despair and anger. I was mad at God. I couldn’t understand why He would put the creative desire in my soul to just let me languish. That is what I got “wrong”: God’s timing. It wasn’t that the dream was gone but that it was to be deferred. God’s timing was different than mine and so much better.

What about you? Have you had to defer a dream? How did that make you feel? How long did you have it deferred? Did the dream change while you were waiting?

While the Bible speaks to what happens without hope (“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12), it also speaks to waiting: “But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and never be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31). In some translations the word “hope” is used for “wait”.

Recently I discovered that the play “A Raisin in the Sun” by Lorraine Hansberry got its title from the Langston Hughes poem, Harlem. While I agree with the descriptions of what it feels like to have a dream deferred, I would also want to encourage him to hold on- that even in a deferred dream there is hope. There is always hope.

Harlem by Langston Hughes:

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore—

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over—

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?