The Power of Vulnerability

I do not believe politicians. It doesn’t matter their party or particular political leanings. I know enough politicians to know that for the majority of them, it is hard to believe all that they say. They are the ultimate great actors- they can spin and say whatever they feel the audience at the time wants to hear.

But. I do like what I have seen of Joe Biden’s character. He truly seems empathetic to others, especially those who are grieving. I am always impressed with any highly visible personality/celebrity/politician who helps others not for any immediate photo op but seemingly altruistically and for the benefit of the other person. It is only after the fact does their good deed/word get in the news and sometimes only because someone has leaked it.

President Biden has been known to call and receive calls from individuals who have lost a loved one. He has also reached out to young people who have speech impediments, namely stuttering. Two areas of his life in which he suffered and was vulnerable.

I think of him meeting with Queen Elizabeth this past week. I imagine there will be some soul sharing regarding losing a spouse. Grief is grief regardless of the stage and age of the bereaved. I wonder how many individuals President Biden has connected to over the years due to his being drawn to those who are exposed to grief?

It reminds me that being vulnerable is what draws us together. There are people who I know who seem to have it all in order. While I enjoy being with them, it is only when they shared tough times or difficulties that I became closer to them. It is then that they are more relatable. We have more in common through our difficulties than our strengths.

Researcher Dr. Brene Brown has an interesting TED talk on the subject of vulnerability. It may be “old” but it is applicable to today. (See the above video)

As she states, “The data about being vulnerable leads to whole-hearted living.” She talks about courage, compassion and connection and how vulnerability leads to these strong emotions.

I think of the Apostle Paul and his statement, “for when I am made weak, then I am strong.” It is only through our weaknesses that true authenticity occurs and makes room for growth. At the end of the TED talk, Dr. Brown says this:

This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

What about you? In recent months we have talked about a sense of belonging, of having enough, of sharing, of being grateful, of connection. Are you willing to be vulnerable? What does that look like for you? What steps are you willing to take to begin whole-hearted living?

I love the title of Dr. Brown’s talk- The Power of Vulnerability because there is Truth to that expression. While the world may say might makes right, Jesus declared that the meek inherit the earth. For there is strength through an honest and authentic declaration of weakness.

Below, view the follow-up to her vulnerability talk:

Connection and Community- Part 1

Have you ever noticed that when you might be thinking of certain themes/things, you then will see and hear that theme in all aspects of your life? I have heard people say that happens to them when they buy a new car- all of a sudden they see that exact car wherever they go.

Lately, it seems as if I am hearing about community every where I turn. Even in the ads at my local bank. No wonder the show “Cheers” was so popular. The place where “everyone knows your name”. People seem to long for community recognition yet we act in individual anonymity.

As a society, we are globalized. No other time in history is like now when the majority of the planet can know and connect with other parts of the world, yet we are also more isolated than ever before. We do not have to interact with anyone for anything- not even for acquiring basic goods and services. And if we choose to connect with others, those connections can take place in solo private settings. We have lost the shared experience of community.

I thought over the next couple of blog posts we can explore the idea of community and connection. I am treating the two together because you cannot have a community without connection to one another. What else is the purpose of human connection but to form some type of community? (recognizing that not all connection is necessarily deep).

So, what does community mean? Do we need it? What are the ramifications? Does our technology help or hinder? What can we do about it? How do we build connection with one another?

For most of my life I have felt that my nose was pressed against the window pane in observation of a gathering of others. No feeling of great connection or community. Oh sure. I have had my “group” - family, childhood friends, workplace colleagues, etc. But I have never felt that sense of deep connection that “these are my people and they get me.”

Not that it is a bad thing. For the most part, I am satisfied with my life and personality. I lean more towards being an introvert than extrovert. As much as I enjoy learning about people and their stories, I am basically shy and don’t want to impose my presence on anyone. I have to force myself out into community. I could go (and have gone) days without speaking to anyone and then when I do, my voice fails as well as my thoughts. I end up sounding like a babbling idiot. Use it or lose it.

Community used to mean one’s physical location: one’s “place” in the world. While that still is true, the word seems now to connote more of one’s identity: “A body of people or things viewed collectively,” (Oxford English Dictionary)

Author, Bill Bishop states, “It used to be that people were born as part of a community, and had to find their place as individuals. Now people are born as individuals, and have to find their community.”

I think that shift is what is causing some issues with our sense of community and connection. If each one of us, as a solo person have to find our community, we are picking and choosing what we want to be. That very choice can become exclusionary- some people will be in and some out. Even our sense of togetherness has a binary, all or nothing quality and can create anxiety and feelings of loneliness.

On a recent podcast of Hidden Brain, they explored the problem of American masculinity and how that creates a lonely man. While the explanation is specific to men, I think that there is a general observation that applies to all people- we all need some type of connection and community.

One of the things noted was the importance of community for a person’s health and wellbeing. They reported on a longitudinal social study that began over eighty years ago looking at the students at an elite university and if there were any predictions for personal success (They funders of the research wanted to find a way to predict good management professionals). Over the years, the focus and goals of the study changed and new discoveries were made yet the study was always concerned with the connection between emotional well-being and personality characteristics. One question they always asked, “Who would you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or afraid?”

According to the study, “We found that people who had warmer, closer connections lived longer, developed the diseases of middle age, those chronic diseases, less soon and had better health longer on average than people who didn't have warm, close relationships.”

Why connection? It is good for your health.

Why community? I think that there is something true about the independent streak that runs in all of us. I think that our current set-up for society has exploited that nature and whether intentionally or not has encouraged us to be solo . Look our for yourself because no one else will. You don’t need to be with others, you can get by with all that you need without them. Getting to know others can set yourself up to pain. Don’t be vulnerable. Hide behind the mask.

And so in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

This is not how we were designed to live. Everything in the Bible and in its story is about relationships: relationships among God and his people- both as an individual with God but also as individuals living in community with others.

The Hebrew wiseman reminds us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will life up his fellow…a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12.

In Jesus’ last days on earth, He prays for the people surrounding Him and those who are yet to come. He prays that they will be unified and connected, that they would be one. You cannot be “one” without connection. “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father are in me, and I in you that they also may be in us, so that world may believe that you have sent me.” John 17: 20.

What about you? What are your feelings of community and connection?

Stay tuned for next week as we explore connection and community (part 2) through technology.

Heart Transplant

There was a heartwarming story (no pun intended) a couple of weeks ago in the wedding section of The New York Times. Ten years earlier, the bride had lost her father due to a fatal mugging (a sixteen year old shot him in the head).  The family of the deceased made the decision for organ donation.  The recipient, a gentleman close to the deceased father's age sent a note of gratitude to the family.  Over the years there was shared correspondence.  

When the wedding plans were made, there was discussion over who would walk the bride down the aisle. At the fiances suggestion, the bride asked the heart recipient. So, the gentleman who received the bride's father's heart walked her down the aisle. As the bride says a piece of her dad was with her. 

What a beautiful story and a generous gesture on both family parts; for the one who gave the heart away through organ donation and the other who returned it through an intimate gesture. 

What has touched me is the thought of our inter-connectedness with one another.  In this story there is an actual tangible connection and reminds us that we are connected to one another in some way.  With all our modern medicine and research there are still some things that cannot be duplicated and can only be shared. Organ donation, organ transplantation and even blood, platelets and bone marrow donation are still human based. For some it is an easy, relatively non-invasive thing to do and for others a final gesture of generosity.  It is a spectrum of personal and sacrificial sharing.  And it is necessary. 

I just cannot think of more poignant examples of why we need one another than to see a row of business suits sitting in chairs being connected to tubing for a corporate blood drive. Or the surgical blue hat askew on the head of a "stranger" being wheeled down for a bone marrow harvest to give to a child lying in expectation in the hospital ward above. Or the squeezing of hands between a father and daughter before one is wheeled into an operating room to have her kidney removed while the other is wheeled into an adjoining operating room to be prepped for the receiving. 

What about you?  Are you an organ donor?  Does it say so on your license?  Does your family know?  Do you donate blood?  If you are not able, have you ever helped at a blood donor drive?  Have you ever thought about being on a bone marrow registry?  

Below are some links to sites that maintain lists of donors as well as provide information. 

Click here to sign up to be an organ donor.

Click here to sign up to be a bone marrow donor.

Click here to sign up to be a blood donor.