Good Grief?

Is there such a thing as “Good Grief”? When I hear that expression, my first thought is of Lucy from the Peanuts comic. Seemed as if Lucy said it often to her brother Charlie Brown. Mostly she said it in irritation at him and his actions or lack of actions.

According to the online Oxford dictionary “good grief” means, an exclamation of irritation, frustration, or surprise. Euphemism for “Good God!”.

Lately, I feel that “good grief” captures my mood: I am trying to work out good, healthy ways to grieve the different losses we have faced over the last couple of years and my frustration with myself that I am not doing it well.

This week will be the fifth anniversary of my mother’s sudden death. The other three parents were lost through a longer period of mental degeneration of dementia/Alzheimers. Either way, there is a noticeable loss in our lives. There was a time when the parents were whole, functioning and dwelling among us and then there is not.

While I have read, studied and worked with grief counselors, I realize that I need to revisit some information to give myself permission to grieve and to recognize that just because I may have “head” knowledge doesn’t mean that it has registered in my “heart”. Lately I feel that I am at sea. Those of you who have sailed on a sunfish may remember that if you do not put the centerboard down, the boat will slide back and forth in the wind. I feel like a sunfish without the centerboard down- drifting along with no clear navigation of my little life vessel.

In addition to our beloved parents, there has been other types of loss and grief: expectations, goals, dreams, roles. For instance, my role as caregiver has shifted. No longer do I need to move from problem, project or situation. At this point in our lives, it is back to just my husband and myself. While it is rather refreshing to not have all the responsibilities, it does make me think about who I am as for many, many years I was defined by my caregiving.

With all the things I have heard and read about grief, here are some take-aways that resonate with me:

• Give yourself time and permission to grieve-intentionally give yourself space to grieve: ex. fifteen minutes each day or at a certain location

• There is no one way to grieve

• Take care of oneself: eating well, physical exercise, sleep

• There are all types of grief, not just the obvious like a child or spouse dying.

• It is normal to experience physical feelings- gut punch, nausea/vomit, lack of appetite, insomnia, brain fog

I found it interesting that there are at least ten categories of grief. According to whatsyourgrief.com they are labelled: Prolonged, Anticipatory, Masked, Secondary, Cumulative, Inhibited, Ambiguous, Complicated, Normal, Traumatic, Abbreviated, Exaggerated, Absent, Collective. The definitions of said categories are what you would expect and as the names imply.

The following information has been a helpful reminder as I am trying to navigate the future with the heaviness of grief and loss. Kubler-Ross has become the classic go-to for grief but I thought the other psychologists have interesting theories that reflect my experience. In addition to these, there are other theories and explanations out there.

Five Stages of Grief* (*https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/grief)

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five linear stages of grief:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

Kubler-Ross originally developed this model to illustrate the process of bereavement. Yet she eventually adapted the model to account for any type of grief. Kubler-Ross noted that everyone experiences at least two of the five stages of grief. She acknowledged that some people may revisit certain stages over many years or throughout life.

Four Tasks of Mourning

Psychologist J. W. Worden also created a stage-based model for coping with the death of a loved one. He divided the bereavement process into four tasks:

• To accept the reality of the loss

• To work through the pain of grief

• To adjust to life without the deceased

• To maintain a connection to the deceased while moving on with life

Dual Process Model

As an alternative to the linear stage-based model, Margaret Stroebe and Hank Schut developed a dual process model of bereavement. They identified two processes associated with bereavement:

Loss-oriented activities and stressors are those directly related to the death. These include:

• Crying

• Yearning

• Experiencing sadness, denial, or anger

• Dwelling on the circumstances of the death

• Avoiding restoration activities

Restoration-oriented activities and stressors are associated with secondary losses. They may involve lifestyle, routine, and relationships. Restoration-oriented processes include:

• Adapting to a new role

• Managing changes in routine

• Developing new ways of connecting with family and friends

• Cultivating a new way of life.

Stroebe and Schut suggest most people will move back and forth between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented activities.

What about you? Are you experiencing any “good grief” this season? Loss from the pandemic? Family? Job? Friends? Expectations? Goals? Future? What have you found to be helpful through your loss?

It has also occurred to me that the definition of “good grief” includes surprise. It makes me think that there are surprises, some unforeseen benefits that may come out of our grief. While things may be painful, I am also aware to be on the lookout for those “good grief” moments: surprising times when the unexpected happens.

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Other resources:

• physiological: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/survive-anything/201906/good-grief

• https://nickwignall.com/grief/

Good Grief

For those who follow this blog, you may know that I have had a time these last couple of years with the sudden death of my mother, care of my dad and then the brief, yet emotional drain of seeing my dad go from seemingly functioning, to a fall, then hospice and then his death on January 6th.  I still feel that I am in that in-between time and land: where I cannot go back and cannot go forward. It is difficult for me to concentrate, sleep and generally function.   I know that it is the physical process of grief and yet it is frustrating nonetheless. Part of me wants the pain of grieving to be over and another part of me wants to wallow in it.

I went to see the bereavement counselor supplied by the hospice.  She was very helpful.  I look at the scenario leading up to my dad's death and I see the many blessings of God's hand: while it seemed like the days went on forever while we waited in the hospital for a clear diagnosis of what was going on and then the days spent in the hospice, yet from the time he went to the ER until his death was just three weeks.  Not too long when others spend years with chronic and declining illnesses. Because we had dad tested over the past summer and had a grasp of his capabilities and decline, we were able to present an accurate picture to the doctors and the hospice so that dad received the best care. I am so grateful that his decline and end did not happen when I was incapacitated with my own surgery recovery. 

While dad was in hospice he was able to see and spend some time with all of his children. My one sister was there when he took his final breath. His "financial" affairs were all in order.  He was ready to see my mom. He and I were ready to part- no regrets with either party.   I feel very fortunate to have spent much time with my parents.  The last couple of years were transactional- they needed help and care from me, just like when I was little and needed help and care from them.  But the subsequent years in-between were great.  My parents and I and then later, my husband and sons enjoyed spending time together, enjoying The Cape, going on trips, visiting extended family, visiting museums, playing games, sharing hobbies together. 

Even with all the good memories I find I am still grieving.  Grieving is not bad.  It is part of life and death. It is a process we all must go through. Grief can be for a number of reasons, not just for the present death of a loved one.  Perhaps it is the regret of the past- a poor choice and its consequences.  Or it can be grief for the future- a loss of a dream or expectation.  I think there are positive attributes with grief, once the shock of loss is worn off and the day to day existence commences.  Good grief brings about a clarity of purpose, of reevaluation of life's plans and of one's mortality.  Grieving the past may be the only way to put it in its place- the past.  Grieving the future may help narrow the purpose and plans of one's life.

With all my muddling and aimlessly wondering around the house, I have had time to ruminate on all that has happened in my and my parents' lives. I find that my grief comes at a time when I am also grieving unmet expectations of extended family and of my own future and career.  I know that my grieving goes back before the death of both parents, it extends to my parent's decline and my increased roll of caregiver.  I also recognize that I gave so much of my time and emotional energy to extended family that I am reevaluating where I spend my time now. I feel that I spent so much lost time and emotional energy over senseless things and situations over which I had no control.  

It is if a fog is starting to lift.  No more are all objects shrouded in heaviness and angst. I am beginning to distinguish shapes.  I still have a long way to go but I feel a peace on the scene that is unfolding.

What about you?  How is your experience with grief?  Grieving a person?  A situation?  A lost dream?  A future?  A past?  What has helped you muddle through?  Have you felt at peace?  Has it lasted? 

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Things you may experience when you are grieving:  (resource page from Gilchrist Hospice)

Physical:

• hyperactive or under active
• feelings of unreality, e.g. detached from body
• physical distress- chest pains, abdominal pains, headaches, nausea
• fatigue
• appetite change
• weight change
• sleep difficulties (getting to sleep, staying asleep, waking up)
• restlessness
• crying and sighing
• feelings of emptiness or a physical void
• shortness of breath
• tightness or lump in throat

Emotional:

• shock/numbness
• anxiety
• fear
• sadness/sorrow
• anger
• irritability
• guilt
• relief
• loneliness
• longing
• meaninglessness
• apaty
• vulnerability
• abandonment

Social:

• overly sensitive
• dependent
• withdrawn
• avoidant of others
• lack of initiative
• lack of interest

Behavioral:

• forgetfulness
• difficulty concentrating/focusing
• slowed thinking
• wandering aimlessly
• dreaming of the deceased, or sensing his/her presence
• searching for the deceased
• needing to retell the story of person's death
• avoiding talking about loss for others' comfort

Be Ye Kind

There is a community senior center in our area called  BYKOTA.  I always wondered about that name. Was is some type of Native American tribe that had lived in our area?  Was it the name of the founder of the center?  Turns out it is the acronym for the Bible verse, "Be Ye Kind, One To Another."  As it so happens, not bad advice on learning to live in community.

Lately I have not been kind to myself.  As you may have realized from previous blogs that my mom passed away suddenly about two months ago.  In the aftermath with all the administrative things, scheduling appointments and general care of my father, I have been extremely busy and have had to take a hiatus from my work. (reason for my irregular blog postings)  While schedules are still not "normal" for me and I wonder if they ever will become "normal", I have not had time to "grieve"- whatever that means or looks like.  As typical for most people, I have had to keep going and do the next task set before me. 

Last week was one of the first times things were a little more quiet for me.  Of course, as I tried to write I was completely dry, totally blank and didn't have one ounce of inspiration.  I felt exhausted, unfocused and agitated.  I tried "jump starting" my work, giving myself pep talks and advice.  Again I felt agitated and upset.   It dawned on me that I was working out my grieve and that I needed to not fight my experience but just let things unfold as they were happening to me.  

A dear friend offered me some advice on being kind to myself.  After all, if I knew of a person going through a similar situation as I have been, wouldn't I tell them to be kind to themselves and to let themselves have a little break from expectations and work?   

Of course she was right.  Funny, I can give others lots of grace and understanding but for myself I am a grueling task master.  Generally I am kind one to another but not to myself.

My journey through this time of loss is continually teaching me things:

1) Be Ye Kind, One To Another.  (BYKOTA)  Even though I have had at times, some words with family members, I am learning to be kind to them as they too are grieving the loss of a loved one. I am learning that everyone responds and reacts differently to loss and that is okay. 

2) Be Ye Kind, Also To Yourself (BYKATY)  It always seems that we forget the second part of the statement of loving one another as we love (and should love) ourselves.  We are so quick to not appear to be selfish that we get the balance wrong; either we are extremely selfish and forget the part of loving our neighbor or we feel that we are not worthy of loving ourselves and therefore do everything for another.  In doing so we can become shells of ourselves.  We end up with no substance and no support which in turn doesn't help anybody.   

3) Build in some margin into your life.  Even though my work has been disrupted, I am grateful that my schedule is flexible enough and that I had some built-in wiggle room so that I can help out with my extended family when needed.  I am trying to focus on that gratitude and not be focused on begrudging the time spent away from my work.

4) Do something that brings you joy.  I love working in the garden. Mostly I like playing with rocks, dirt and mulch and would be happy "planting" a hardscape with combinations of the three. Occasionally the softscape of plants will accommodate me by their blooming.  There are certain areas and little vignettes of plants in my garden that bring a smile to my face.  Every time I walk past the entrance to the back yard, I smile when I see the iris, blue Russian sage, shasta daisies against the willow fencing.  Makes me think of our time in Oxford. 

5) Whatever you are doing, practice the presence of being present.  I am learning to not be distracted with what has happened in the past nor what I need to do for the future.  I am trying to be present when I am with others- attentively listening and responding to their needs.  I am trying to concentrate solely on the task at hand and to relax and enjoy each moment. 

What about you?  Have you ever gone through a period of grief?  What did that look like?  Were you kind to others?  Kind to yourself?  What did you do to be kind?  

Be Ye Kind:  BYKOTA and  BYKATY.

Standing on the deck overlooking part of the back yard, patio and pond.  Rose bushes are just beginning to explode in color and scent. 

A Daughter's Tribute

In a week we will have a memorial service for my mom.  I wrote the following in the wee hours of the first night after learning of her death. The thoughts are random and certainly reflect my state of grief. I share with you so that you too might think of your loved ones.  Whether they are alive or not, it is good to reflect on the qualities of those we love.  I would encourage you to write out that reflection and what that person means (meant) to you.  If you are fortunate to have your loved one still alive, I would encourage you to send him/her a note telling them.  We never know what tomorrow will bring.

Mom and I at our beloved beach

I am awakened in the early hours of Easter.  I cannot sleep.  This afternoon I received the call that my mother had died. I know that I am still in shock. Yet I know that the best way for me to honor and remember her is through words. 

My mom loved words.  She loved a well turned phrase. She loved books.  She was a veracious reader.  In the years she and my dad lived at a retirement center, she was an active part in the community library, reading every book that was purchased or donated to the facility before she placed on the shelf.  One of my earliest childhood memories is of her reading the Children's Illustrated Bible to me at bedtime. I can still hear her voice telling the story of Jesus' birth, David and Goliath or Joseph and his brothers.

Mom loved Jesus.  She loved stories and words that told of Him and His love for mankind.  Words were her way to impart God's love to others.  She was the queen of sending a note of encouragement or a card or remembrance for a birthday or anniversary.

Mom loved music especially hymns.  She played the piano from an early age and her maternal grandfather, a Presbyterian minister, would have her play hymns.  "Keep up girlie," he would say to her if he felt she was dragging the hymn tempo on a hymn that he thought (and it seemed that he thought most) should move along.

She had a way of making the music speak to the tenure of the worship service.  That music was to be used as another expression of God's love.  Whether in church through her role as organist/choir director or through her teaching as an elementary music education, she would explain to the congregation or audience the meaning of the words and how they connected to one's life or situation. Long before it was part of the educational curriculum she would tie the songs, folksongs to whatever the children were learning in the classroom.  She imparted the idea of looking at things broadly- get the bigger picture and interconnectedness of life.

 She believed without a shadow of doubt that Christ was the son of God and that He came to earth with the sole purpose to rescue us and bring us back into community with God.  He was sent to bridge the gap of separation with God.  Our original sin, when we disobeyed God, placed us with a chasm between being in absolute communion with God.  Christ came to be the sacrificial one, to once and for all bridge the gap so that we might have eternal community with God.  

I believe without a shadow of doubt that she is with her God and Savior.  She is also in the community of the saints who went before her.  She has reunited with her mom, dad, aunts, uncles, dear friends and her grandfather.

My mom was passionate about life and about certain things.  Whatever she became involved with, she did so with gusto.  When my one sister and her family were missionaries in Africa, my mom sent them regular care packages.  They were not for their personal use, but because mom had heard that the clinic where my sister worked did not have any linens, she would send boxes upon boxes of sheets that she found on sale or at estate sales. She could've filled a container ship with the amount of boxes she sent. 

There is a hole and ache in my heart that I do not have her here physically with me.  I knew this day would come but no one is really prepared for it.  I do believe that I too will see her one day when the temporal world in which I live is replaced for the eternal one with God.  For now I can only wish that I impart and encourage others like she did through my words.

I was blessed to have such a loving mom.  She was not a famous, wealthy or powerful person but she was influential on her family and in her small circle of friends.  She will be missed. 

Blessed

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."  

These are words spoken by Jesus in a section called the Beatitudes. I always thought that it seemed a strange thing for Jesus to say. Most people that I know who mourn or are in mourning don't feel too blessed.

Yet  beatitude means supreme blessedness.  As I am still in the process of mourning the loss of my mother I cannot say that I feel supremely blessed but I do see glimmers of blessed-ness every day.

I see the blessedness of re-connection with family with whom I haven't spoken in a long time.  It might be because of the heightened emotion of grief yet I feel the familial ties and the instant connection when we speak.  There is no pretense nor apologies needed for not connecting sooner.  It is just a comfortable connection of love.

I see the blessedness in the strengthening bonds of friendship.  So many people have offered to help and have cared for our family's immediate needs. It is through the intensity of life and death that binds us closer to one another. We see those who are there for our family through the difficult times. 

I see the blessedness in the ability to view life with an eternal perspective.  Nothing like a death to pull me up short to realize what is truly important in life overall and in my own life specifically.  I think that is one of the reasons that funerals make me cry.  Of course, I am thinking of the person who is gone but there is also the thinking of my own life- what have I done in it, who have I influenced, if any and will God be pleased?   I think for many a funeral is a time of personal reassessment. 

I see the blessedness in the way I view other people. Death's perspective causes me to feel a generosity and grace towards others.   We never know when it will be our last moment.  I want to live so that when I am gone, there are no regrets. Things might be left undone but nothing is left in anger, rudeness or any other negative behavior.   

What about you?  Have you ever had to grieve?  Are you still grieving?  What did you learn about yourself through that process?  What comforted you?  Do you (did you) ever feel blessed by it?