Dressed Up

I’ve been listening to a podcast: Tea with Twiggy. For those of you who were too young to know or too old to remember- Twiggy was the “it” girl of the 1960/70’s. She represented the new look of the mod age- the face of 1966 and was on the cover of Vogue magazine over a dozen times. She went on to become a screen and stage actress and singer. During the pandemic she started a podcast, “Tea with Twiggy” where she talks to her friends- most are well known from stage, screen, modeling and song.

She interviewed Charles Gordon-Lennox, 11th Earl of Richmond who owns the estate Goodwood house and sponsors the Goodwood Festival of Speed. The festival is an annual motor car event with modern and vintage motor cars. In addition, they have a large vintage/second hand clothing market. Many who attend the festival dress up in vintage clothing. According to the earl- he has noticed that when the crowds that are dressed up in the vintage clothing congregate, they are better behaved and more kind with one another. There is a spirit of civility that prevails.

I find that fascinating. There is the view that what we wear, determines how we behave and think. There are some studies to suggest that formal attire encourages creativity and abstract thought, increases critical thinking and problem-solving skills. There is also some thought that depending on what we are wearing, we switch “roles” in our thinking and behavior. For instance, one will most likely take advice from a doctor wearing a medical coat more than if she were wearing a bathing suit. And the one wearing the uniform-firefighter for instance, probably acts differently around his buddies than when dressed for the public.

There has always been the adage- dress for success. Certainly we wear different clothes depending upon our moods or activities. We know that specific colors or styles make us feel more comfortable or more confident. Clothing is an individual expression.

But I like the idea that being dressed up, elevates the nature of a crowd. Perhaps we need more of that in this world. Not that we have to go back to the strict nature of “formal”clothing from bygone eras- which was very constricting to women, but that we think about being appropriately and dressed for any occasion.

I know that when I was in school, I always did better on examinations if I dressed up. Not anything super formal but not pajamas or sweat pants.

Years ago our son was in Europe for study-abroad. In flying home at semester’s end, he had more things in his luggage than when he flew over. Consequently he couldn’t pack the suit he had bought in Vienna (all the students were required to attend at least 1 ball during the Viennese winter season) so he wore it home. When we picked him up we almost didn’t recognize him- he was the best dressed passenger. Later he said that he almost got put into first-class when the flight attendants saw him.

What about you? Have you ever been treated differently because of what you were wearing? Does certain clothing evoke different behavior from you? Do you wear different attire depending on the activity?

Of course, clothes do not make the man or woman but if it changes the way we carry ourselves with civility, manners and politeness, it is not such a bad thing.

Oh would it only be so easy to be civil in this world- just dress the part.

Tale of Two Candidates

In this past Sunday's New York Times there were two different articles, in two different sections talking about two different political candidates. Even though the point behind each article was different I was struck with an underlying commonality- civility and manners.

In the case of one of the candidates it appears that civility and manners are severely lacking. He says what he wants to say to whomever he feels is listening with no thought that his words might be hurtful, divisive and derisive.  There appears to be a growing segment of the population that thrives on this type of behavior.  It is if they have been waiting for someone to say without filters all the things that have been bothering them for years.  It is if they subscribed to the opposite wisdom of Thumper in Bambi,  "If you have something nasty to say, then say it." 

The other candidate, according to this article, is one who was raised on civility.  He was taught to be a gracious winner and loser, to be careful in his speech and to demonstrate some self-restraint in dealing with other people with whom he differs.  And, according to this article,  it is a dying virtue.   It is a point of view that is not seen as important to the voting public, rather it is seen as a source of weakness.

I am not particularly enamored with either candidate and am certainly not endorsing one candidate or the other but it did cause me pause.  Why are we so quick to think a braggart, shoot from the hips and no holds barred type of speaker is possessing a strength and virtue?  Why do we consider manners to be weak and passe?  And in thinking so, we need to rid this behavior from  society?

I wonder if it is our faceless society and nameless way of communicating  that has conditioned us to think that just because we don't see someone's face it is okay then to call them out, say negative comments and even say things that verge on the edge of hatred.  Certainly in this day and age if one is in the public light then one is fair game for receiving all sorts of vitriol.  If we have to look someone in the eye would we say that which what we do in the safety of anonymity? 

The thing is, the say-whatever mentality immediately breaks down any future communication and so each camp ends up inciting each other with the same rhetoric. It just encourages more bad behavior. "If you say those types of things about me, I will just retaliate in kind."  Eventually no one listens. Both parties end up extremely frustrated and so, when someone who is louder than everyone else speaks, it is seen as good because the words are expressed.  Yet those unfiltered words break down the communication and so the cycle continues and nothing is accomplished.  

It takes much more thought and effort to be civil and mannerly.  It is a strong person who can suppress his/her urge to "shut the other person down" in order to maintain an open dialogue.  It is a strong person who lays aside his/her desire to "stick it to the opponent" for the sake of living in human community.  It is the strong person who looks at the long term picture of working together rather than "winning" every little battle. 

I wonder about my own relationships and how I communicate?   Regrettably I can recall times when I spewed venomous pronouncements about someone not in my presence. Thankfully it was only in the presence of kin yet still the words were spoken, the poison was out in the air and with it, the potential to corrode the thinking of all who hear.  

I also know that it is hard to look someone in the eye and say words that the recipient might not want to hear.  Yet it is because I am looking into his/her eyes I am compelled to temper my tone and words.  I need to think before I speak, to reflect on the implications of what I say and how it will be received and to temper my words accordingly. Not a bad thing and much needed in this world.  

What about you?  Have you noticed the change in the speech of one to another?  Not only with our political candidates but in the day to day communications or in the internet communications?  How do you respond? 

Charles Dickens opens his novel, The Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."  It seems like lately, especially during this political campaigning season, we are experiencing the best and worst of human behavior.  

I am choosing to focus on the best-  to try and to be kind, gracious, understanding, slow to speech, slow to anger, empathetic and loving in my dealings with one other- those seen and unseen.  Won't you join me?

There's An App For That

In a past Sunday's New York Times there was an article about one of the latest apps- the break-up app.  Apparently the end of the year is one of the biggest times for relationship break ups.  Guess it is the idea of out with the old, in with the new.

Not surprising that there is an app for dealing with difficulty in a relationship.  There appears to be an app for any situation or predicament you might encounter. 

In looking at a web site Statistica it claims that as of the summer 2015, over 100 Billion Apps were downloaded from the Apple store.  The popular categories in descending order:  games; business, education, lifestyle, entertainment, utilities, travel, books, health and fitness, music, productivity, food and drink, sports, photo and video, finance, news, reference, social networking, medical, navigation.

Over the holidays we were with family which included a newborn.  I was amazed to learn that there are apps for parents to help with sleeping (choose the "white noise" e.g. hairdryer).  In looking further, I found apps for potty training, behavior modification, reward charts, teaching children how to use money or make change or use an ATM. There is even a parenting app trend report- an app that lets you know the latest and best parenting apps. 

Besides the break up app noted in the Times, there are other relationship type apps: apps to get you through break ups, apps to maintain a healthy marriage, apps for dealing with a long-distance relationship, apps to mend a broken heart, apps for saving you from an abusive relationship. 

I am not against apps or the information that they impart.  Why not use the expertise of someone else? If it can be given to us via our smart phone, all the better. 

I just wonder what would happen if we cultivated conversation, civility and manners back into our lives?   It seems to me that many of the relationship issues wouldn't exist if we thought of others before ourselves. What would happen if we practiced doing unto others as we would want done to us? If we remembered our "please, thank you's, or after you" would we need any of the relationship apps?  I wonder what would happen if as a matter of course, everyone held a door for someone else?  I bet there's an app for that.

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