Never Alone

Alone versus loneliness.

According to the Centers of Disease Control, “Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact.”

Alone means, “separated, apart, or isolated from others. Alone is the physical state whereby you are physically by yourself while lonely is the emotional state. “

Sometimes loneliness and being alone can be interconnected, and at other times it isn’t. From the CDC: “Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without being socially isolated.” Two different things yet they do play a part to one another. Over time, those who are physically alone can lead to loneliness.

We saw that recently with the isolation during Covid lockdown. It took its toll on certain members of the population, specifically our elderly. Having had a cognitively-impaired parent isolate during that time, we saw the effects of isolation on her. While it wasn’t the immediate cause of her death, it certainly contributed to it.

I heard someone say recently that it is ironic: in today’s society we have all these devices and distractions that can keep us connected, yet more people today feel lonely and that they do not have any significant connection.

Why do we feel alone? Why do we have the need to feel that we are apart of something even if we are not physically with others? There is some basic need for us to belong.

Recently, our little niece was having a slightly difficult time in finding a friend in school. She had just started kindergarten. She asked her grandma to pray that she find just one friend. Part of the problem was, while she wanted someone to hang out with during recess, she did not want to do what everyone else was doing. (Living in the hot south, she, like Ferdinand the Bull, wanted to sit under a tree. Meanwhile all the other little tikes wanted to run around like banshees.) She did find one friend to sit with her and now is perfectly content. (As she told her grandma, you can stop praying for me, thank you very much!)

The problem for her was the “in between time” at school: before class began, during lunch and recess, etc. The time when one is allowed to socialize/talk and play and doesn’t have to adhere to a set class routine.

I get it. When I was in school, I did not like that in-between time either. It always seemed to me that the other students all seemed to know each other and got along. There was an unspoken understanding among them. I was the odd man out. I may have been surrounded by lots of children, yet I felt all by myself.

At times, I have felt that way even as an adult. Whether it was at a social club, the local pool or even in church. Of course, while I have many things in common with those surrounding me, I always felt slightly different and alone in my outlook and lifestyle. Even in my family I can feel alone.

Does that make us lonely? Sometimes not. It isn’t such a bad thing to be “your own person”. In fact, we want our children to grow up to be self-assured and to not just follow along with the crowd. We want them to feel comfortable on their own due to their own choice, not because they are lonely.

Mind you, even though I believe that we need to have connectedness and community, connection still is dependent upon how we are wired- introverted or extroverted or some where in between.

Once again, it is the balance of life. To feel comfortable with being alone and not feel that one has to go along with the crowd just because everyone else is “doing it”. But also it is important to feel part of a whole/group. We long to belong and to know that we are not traversing life alone.

As we age, it is important to cultivate friendships yet it is harder to do so. The natural environment of meeting new people is limited. No longer do we make friends through a new school year and class or through a work environment. That is especially true for people who now work remotely. Depending on the location, being a newcomer can be difficult. It is hard to break into set relationships. Many people are set in their ways and set in their friendships.

That is why Facebook seemed like such a good idea- connecting with people that you might not normally connect with. But without that in-person, reality check-in, one can really hide what is going on in one’s life. Facebook and social media and the like can just show the best-of highlights. Sadly that keeps us more apart and lonely because it is a relentless deluge of “keeping up with the Joneses”. One in which more people feel that they are on the outside looking in to the wonder, beauty, “having it all” lifestyle of those “in the know”- influencers.

What is the cure for loneliness? Is there one? Should there be? Will it always be part of our human condition?

According to Laura Santos a cognitive scientist and psychology professor from Yale University, 60% of Americans have reported feeling lonely since Covid. Yet Dr. Santos has noted that the feeling of loneliness has been on a steady linear increase since the 1970’s. Not surprising loneliness has increased along with the decrease of group behaviors: clubs, or third places (outside work and school) where people can meet. She notes that it is not just the elderly or older people but college students, surrounded by other college students who have reported increase in loneliness. She suggests that the social clubs, bowling, gathering for knitting, etc are all things that need to be reinstated to engage with one another and to counter the feeling of loneliness by the feeling of belonging.

According to the UK Red Cross site, here are some suggestions if one feels lonely:

• Reach out to others.

• Talk to someone with experience.

• Build meaningful connections.

• Make new friends by volunteering.

• Get involved in your local community.

• Try our wellbeing resources and workshops.

What about you? Are you alone? Lonely? Have you ever felt lonely in the middle of a crowd?

There are times when I relish being alone. Time to regroup, replenish and think my thoughts. At other times, I do feel lonely. When that happens I try to reach out to close friends and family. But I also have tried to reach out to someone else who might also feel lonely.

I have heard the story told of the late Princess Diana. When she would enter a room or gathering, she most often would find the person who seemed shy and sitting alone. She would make a point of reaching out and speaking to that person. Having been shy herself, she recognized those feelings in others.

Most importantly, I think we do need to recognize that we are never alone: God is always with us. Of course, sometimes it is very difficult to feel God’s presence, but that doesn’t mean that God isn’t here. Many times I have to remind myself that God is always with me and never leaves me alone. We never have to feel that we are going it alone and that what we are experiencing doesn’t matter. It does. Especially to the One who created us.

One of our favorite bands: The Fisherman’s Friends. Even though some of the lyrics to the shanties are sad, singing them seems to lift one’s spirits.

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https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/unlock-loneliness/15-things-do-if-youre-feeling-lonely

https://www.redcross.org.uk/get-help/get-help-with-loneliness

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health#:~:text=It's%20often%20talked%20about%20as,on%20a%20pretty%20regular%20basis.

Gift Giving

What type of gifts have you received from your friends? Not tangible or monetary gifts, but rather any skills? Or philosophies? Or guidance on how to live life?

Our dear friend died over the weekend. (see blog posting for November 17, 2021) He is now in his eternal home. In thinking about him, I cannot help but think of the “life philosophy” gift that defined him and that he has given to others: building community. I know that I have learned about the importance of drawing people together from having observed him and how he responded to people.

He knew how to connect people because he discovered their commonalities- whether it was through their beach neighborhood, a shared interest such as baseball or those who liked to sing. As I previously wrote, he was a great listener. He would ask questions and be open to whatever anyone told him. He knew much about many people and would use that information to connect individuals through their common interests. One of his frequent comments as he was listening and engaging in conversation was “interesting”. He was curious and said it not in any facetious way. No judgement. No opinion or advice given. Just the fact that he thought what the speaker said was interesting as he was learning more about a new friend or acquaintance. He provided a safe space where individuals could connect, share, feel loved and in turn, they could connect, share and love others.

I think of another friend who is the most thoughtful individual I have ever encountered. She anticipates your needs before you even think you have needs. She is so creative in her thoughtfulness because she immerses herself into what you are experiencing. Her empathy is truly God-given. I look at others and their needs totally differently because of my observations of her. When I find myself in a situation where I want to help another person, I think of my friend and how she would approach the issue: what would be the best way to love that individual in their current situation?

Many years ago, an extroverted co-worker showed me how to break out of my introverted ways: observing her with her “get more flies with honey” attitude even the most irascible clients were tamed. I saw that I needed to learn how to not take things so seriously, to smile more and to take the time with “niceties” with people. Sometimes we have to suffer fools gladly in order to get beyond the superficial and discover a person’s true potential and worth.

When God created man, He said that it was not good for man to be alone and so He created a helper- woman. I think one of the reasons God did so was to create community: to create a society where we need one another because not one individual is totally whole and complete. It is in the observation and living with others that we bump up against how each one thinks, responds and acts. Hopefully in that “bumping”, our life experiences and observations rub off on one another. The God-created talents and gifts in you, help me as I go along in my journey and hopefully the God-created talents and gifts in me, will aid you. Needing one another keeps us humble and open- since I do not know or have it all, I can humbly ask of you what you know or have. I can be open to your experiences and knowledge.

What about you? What have you observed in your friends and acquaintances? Have their life experiences changed you in any way? How so?

For all three of my friends, I have been changed by coming in contact with them and the way they live their lives. I think one of the gifts they have given me is demonstrating how to be open to others through listening, learning and loving well.

Finally Home

I would in no way suggest that a rescue dog is like an adopted child. However, there are some similarities in the anticipation and eagerness that awaits the approval process and arrival of the little one. Monday afternoon we got the okay to have a meet and greet with “our” dog in his foster setting with the option to take him home immediately afterwards.

We have been dog owners for a total of forty-five years (give or take some time off between pups). All of them have had long, and we like to think, wonderful lives. We have loved them all deeply and hopefully well.

But, it has been a long time since we have had a new one in the house. It is not like riding a bicycle. I have forgotten how to establish routines and discipline. Although I wonder if we ever did know? Anyone who knew us with our other dogs would probably say that we never established routines or disciplines with our scoundrels. Sad to say, we were probably more disciplined and scheduled with our boys than the dogs.

Introducing Scuppers. Our little sailor dog…

So, today we have Scuppers in our household. For those of you who may remember or who have little ones, the name comes from the Little Golden Book by Margaret Wise Brown, The Sailor Dog. Our little Scuppers is a mutt: seems to have some Chihuahua, Terrier and even Italian greyhound in the mix but we really do not know. He is compact but slightly bigger than our other dogs even though he weighs about the same. He is very well behaved and so far, a good citizen of the house. We have just begun the “two-week shut-down” strongly suggested by the rescue organization, where he is on a leash in the house and is always by my or my husband’s side. While a little skittish, he is more curious about his surroundings than frightened. He likes to play. He retrieves squeaky toys and wants to engage in tugs-of-war. His tearing into the stuffed animals and shaking of his head looks classic terrier to me. He likes to snuggle but hasn’t assumed leaping into my lap unannounced. We are smitten.

For our little pup, we wonder what his life was like before he was found on a lonesome county road in Texas. Was he hungry? Frightened? Mistreated? How did he survive? In looking up the address, it is so remote that there are no street views from Google. The town’s population was around 600 in the last census. In his minimal paper work, his background is sketchy. Was he dumped on the side of the road? Or just let go from someone who moved and couldn’t take him with them?

Scuppers makes me think of family and those we love and how we determine connection, care and sense of belonging with one another. Is it out of an obligatory genetic or blood bond? Or is there something more? What happens when our family lets us down? Do we only love and care for one another because we expect the same in return?

As humans, we have a responsibility to be stewards of animals and our natural world. We care for their wellbeing through practical actions. They return the care through their unconditional love. In some ways it seems easier to love animals than our fellow humans.

Within genetically bonded families there is no guarantee that one will be cared for and loved. Many go hungry, are frightened and mistreated within their own families. Many are rejected and tossed out. There are many people, who if asked, feel like strays within their own families.

I think of the earliest families noted in the Bible. Boy, talk about dysfunctional. But even within those stories, God was working in the dysfunction, calling the family back to himself, teaching them how to care and love one another and using them in creating a larger functional family, one in which all belong.

Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to group: saying we are finding common ground when if we are really honest, it is way of keeping ourselves above others. There are some people who are “in” or “acceptable” and some who are not. We can find ways to exclude fellow humans and not be in any position to love them. It is very easy for us to point out our differences, our “mutt mixtures” and say this group came from a broken background or the wrong neighborhood or are too unpredictable and unstable. It is too easy to say that because of those issues, there is no hope for change.

But, there is always the possibility of change in the right environment. Nature versus nurture. In many arguments about these two entities, there is equal weight assigned to change in the nature versus nurture: 50% of genetics cannot be changed- meaning 50% can. Likewise 50% of one’s background cannot be changed, but 50% can going forward. There is truth to the self-fulfilling prophecy- If we say often enough that certain people will always be one way or another and it is preset either through genetics or societal development, we do not allow possibility of change to occur. But it is also true if we encourage, love and set people up for success, change can happen.

It does make me think of how God is calling us to be people in community. To be people who, while we may not have any obvious familial obligations, should try to get along and care for one another. If we think about it, all of us are “mutt mixtures” and come from some type of dysfunction. Yet God loves us anyway. If God allows us to belong, how can we deny someone else? How beautiful to think that each of us can bring a different variety, skill, or interest to the “familial” table.

What about you? Do you feel that you are sitting at the “familial” table? Do you feel finally home? With your family or friends? With your sense of belonging? What is missing?

Watching Scuppers sleep, I want to tell him that he can rest now. He is finally home. I think that is what God is wanting to tell each one of us. No longer do we need to feel scared, lost or lonely. We belong to a diverse family of God. It might not be a family into which we were born but one by which we find ourselves surrounded- our community or our neighborhood.

We belong because God loved us first. We do not have to do anything special or be anyone special. We just have to believe that God loves us and has done everything so that we can just come and be with Him and His family. We do not have to be in competition with one another and be afraid that only a certain kind will be chosen. We can relax because everyone belongs. And we can keep an open seat for someone else because there is more than enough room at the table.

Home

Recently I have been perusing a book I had picked up awhile ago, Moving On by Sarah Ban Breathnach. She speaks to building a house of belonging- what she defines as the house of one’s dreams, ideas, and longings. In essence, a “build it and they will come” mentality of self-determination; once you uncover your hidden longings, you can envision your future and make decisions/changes to achieve it.

While I am not so convinced with her premise because life sometimes has a way of unfolding in quite a different way than our thoughts, what I find interesting is her exploration about the house: how important the home is. In light of our current pandemic and all things home bound, I find some of her words resonate. She offers practical tips on home making and expands the idea of home comforts and of physically creating the house of belonging.

While she infuses the practical with the mystical of the home, I think there is more to the house of belonging than she states. I think the home is the symbol of the longing of every human heart to belong- to feel that this is the place where one’s tribe or one’s peeps understands them, and that one’s home is a place of refuge. To feel that in this space, one is known, accepted and loved.

Perhaps one of the reasons for such division and clash in our country now is that we, collectively, do not have that sense of belonging. Due to many isolating factors: COVID, social structures, video games, internet- we have become removed from personal and physical interactions and thus removed from a feeling of belonging. America is more of an individualist society, yet we still need each other. We still need to feel that we belong and to create spaces where that happens.

In light of our next wave of COVID and the impending quarantine/lock-down that may follow, I was thinking of how can I create spaces for that belonging? First of all, how can I stay physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy? You know- the overused airplane oxygen analogy- in the event that the cabin experiences reduced pressure, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. How can I maintain my own well-being in order to help others maintain theirs?

I know that I have a tendency to feel isolated and down during the winter months and the shortened sunlight hours. How to ensure that I connect with others, feel productive and able to contribute to society when I am isolated? How, when I am isolated, can I make others feel included? How can I embrace a house of belonging? A sense of hospitality? A place of love?

A dear tennis friend shared how she is intentionally connecting with a college roommate. They have a standing phone call every other week. While they know that some weeks they may not be able to connect it gives her something to look forward to in the interim week. Sure. She could just connect via text or email but that set time for telephoning creates an anticipation and allows a physical connection of speaking/hearing.

Her comment reminded me about the importance of having something to look forward to. Positive anticipation. What has been called “nexting”. I wonder if some of the collateral damage due to the pandemic and isolation is that many people have stopped planning or anticipating. Many plans are on hold until “after the pandemic is over” or “once a vaccine is discovered”. I saw an Facebook picture of a tri-fold poster with different quotes for the present state of mind. One quote said, My biggest mistake of 2020 was buying a day planner. That lack of “nexting” can breed despair. It creates a lack of hope.

I think that positive anticipation can and possibly should take the form of smaller anticipations. Especially during uncertain times. If we think about it, the majority of our well-being is made up of the smaller decisions and tasks during the day: When I finish this blog, I will have lunch; this evening I will watch the next episode of The Coroner; after my walk, I’ll text my friend. Little actions, even obligations that can be re-framed as positive anticipation or “nexting”. If we think we have to do everything now, we become anxious, agitated and overwhelmed. It makes sense to “next” our plans: our to-do lists, our activities, our interactions with others.

What about you? Do you have a sense of home belonging? How does that relate to your sense of well-being? Have you given any thought to what you will do if/when we have another quarantine? What worked/didn’t work this spring? How can you provide a sense of home belonging to your friends and family? What are you anticipating?

I like the idea that my actions and thoughts are building a house of belonging- both physically, emotionally and spiritually. I like the idea that I can create space where others feel that they belong and are loved. I like the idea of creating a house of belonging not only for the future but also for the present.

Christmas (Be) Longings

Are you longing? Longing for a lost dream? A lost situation or experience? A new situation? Relaxing time? Peace of mind?

It seems as if the holidays are times of longing- Longing for family and friends, for good times, for laughter and smiles, for happiness and joy. We even long for the busyness of the season to be over. How many times have I said or have been told, “Let’s get together in the New Year when things settle down.” “I’ll do that in January when I have more time.” We long for peace, quiet and a more settled lifestyle.

It seems as if the national collective is longing to live in a Hallmark movie.

On a deeper level I think that we are longing to belong. To be known. To be loved. Unconditionally.

All those Hallmark movies can be boiled down to love. Coming home. Understanding. “To be or not to be”, says the Bard. We want to be-long.

Christmas is the time of longing- a time when all of humanity, past, present and future, long for something. The ancient Hebrew people group were longing for the Redeemer to appear. Our modern Eastern and Western worlds are longing for a time when all is right with the world. Nations want peace and prosperity. All of which will only happen when we, the world, are right with God.

Christmas is the time to remember when God came to earth to save us from ourselves. He came so that we would believe that we are known and loved. Unconditionally. By Him. That God who is Love dwelt among us and knows what it is to be-long in our frail humanity. He entered into our human condition not because He had to but because He longs for us and for relationship. He loves us. He is reaching out to each one of us so that we can come home to Him. Forever.

Better than a Hallmark movie.

What about you? Is this a season of be-longing? Have you ever thought about why we celebrate Christmas? Have you ever thought about the longings of your heart and who/what might satisfy them?

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.”

— Blaise Pascal. Mathematician. Philosopher.

Belonging

A friend recently shared with me two wonderful songs.  One comes from movie, The Greatest Show on Earth,  "This is Me."  and the other from the Broadway musical,  Dear Evans Hanson, "You Will Be Found". The songs are powerful in their message. It is all about our authentic self, not being afraid of our differences, and the need to belong to one another. 

Belonging. 

What is it about the need to belong that shapes how people behave? The more I meet and speak with people, the more I realize that everyone in some way or another feels that they do not belong.  It seems as if belonging is equated with normal and so we wonder if we don't  feel that we belong are we  "normal"?  We define normal as conforming to a standard or the usual, typical condition. 

It also seems as if even those who appear to belong struggle with that meaning.  With the advent of Facebook you can really see that struggle. Those who "belong"  have created a facade of what a belonged person should be.  They create a superficial standard and before you know it, there is an in and out group.  With most people feeling "out".  A keeping up with the Kardashian type mentality. 

The thing is, no one truly belongs.  We all feel separated from each other.   That is one of the greatest lies that the deceiver promotes.  He wants to divide and conquer us.  We start believing we are alone and therefore not normal.  The more we believe that lie, the more isolated we feel.  Isolation (different from being alone) is not good.  It can lead to irrational thinking, harmful behavior of the individual and of others. I am reminded that the only time God said His creation wasn't good was in creating man without companionship or community. It was good when God created human relationship- Adam and Eve. God designed us to live in community and with a sense of belonging. 

Being different is not a criteria for being excluded. Not being part of the "norm" shouldn't hinder us from belonging.  Quite the contrary. Being different is necessary for us to live in community.  Think of it as a potluck dinner.  The best potluck dinners are those in which everyone brings their best or favorite dish.  All those wonderful flavors make up a great meal. If everyone brought the same dish or even the same type of dish say, just desserts we would soon tire of the menu at best. If that was the only type of food we could eat (desserts all the time), we would become ill at worst. 

I do believe that there is a place for all in God's community. His love for us is so strong that He will and has done everything to bring us back to Him in community, even to the point of sacrificing His own son so that we can belong.  Unfortunately that great grace that He has shown to us, we forget to show others.  We forget that God has said it is good for someone who is different to belong in community.   Instead we have created those superficial standards to determine who is in and who is out.  And that is not good.

How can we embrace into community those around us?  Sometimes it is hard.  Sometimes those who are different are hard to understand, are difficult to love and can be burdensome.  Yet it is imperative for us to do so.  Now more than ever.  

Perhaps one step is to not play the comparison game.  If we don't keep up with the Kardashians we don't have to continually strive for something we are not.  We can be grateful for what we have and who we are. 

Another step is to accept that we are loved by God just as we are. If He knows the very hairs on our heads and how we are uniquely and wonderfully made, we can have the confidence that He knows us, warts, scars and all, and still loves us. 

Then we can concentrate on developing our unique gifts and what we bring to the collective community table.  When we recognize that we have something to offer, we can be more generous with others- what do they have to offer?  We do not have to be threatened by someone's difference but celebrate it. 

What about you?  Have you ever felt that you were "outside looking in" on the collective human experience?  Have you ever be on the inside?  Did you feel a sense of belonging?  Have you ever included someone "different" into your social sphere?  How did that go?   What makes you different and unique?  How can you celebrate that?  

How can you make someone else feel that they belong today?