The Temper Temperer

It is that time of year when we seem to receive all sorts of catalogues that cater to the whims of those looking for presents for the people who have everything.

For some reason we received the Hammacher Schlemmer Catalogue- “Guaranteeing the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 170 years.” There is nothing for sale that I nor anyone that I know really needs, yet I still find myself perusing the pages, seeing the merchandise and thinking “that item would be interesting for ….”

What made me chuckle was the following:

The Temper Temperer: This is the personal voice muffler that stifles expressive outbursts resulting form the workplace, politics, or a sports team’s performance. Held in place over the mouth or secured behind the head via an adjustable elastic strap, the muffler provides relief from inveterate cursing at a television as well as channeled stress release after a rough day at the office when a pillow in not available. Its sound-dampening quality also makes it ideal for impromptu close-quarters usage during family gatherings when privacy is limited. One size fits all mouths. $49.99

(I wonder if they have something to prevent one’s thumbs from tweeting? - Just a thought….)

While this is humorous it does make me think of a serious matter. Being an adult and part of a civilized society doesn’t absolve someone from actually having self-control. This gadget insists that instead of controlling one’s tongue, you just need to put on your voice muffler.

Being called “a spitfire” as a child, I get it. There were many times in my childhood and youth that I could’ve used the muffler. It certainly would have avoided conflict, hurt feelings, broken relationships and my own punishments.

Hopefully I have learned and improved a little as I have aged. Taming one’s tongue is something that may get better with maturity but always needs to be in check. If not, it can create discord, chaos, broken relationships and at the extreme- destruction.

But I know that one of the promises from God is that He has sent a helper to us (Holy Spirit) that as we grow to be more and more like Him, we demonstrate love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. For as much as we are in need of civility and manners, the true caring of one another cannot be done without God’s help.

In thinking over this past week’s news and the treatment of men and women, it occurs to me that if people, beginning at an early age, treat one another like they want to be treated (or how they would want a loved one treated), maybe some of this miscommunication and hurt can be avoided.

There is a reason that manners have prevailed ever since there was more than one person living in community. Manners are more than pinky-in-the-air hoity-toity-ness: at the core, manners are actions derived from thinking of other people first.

I know that I need the Helper in learning self-control and manners. Left to my own devices I would be (and am) incredibly selfish- saying whatever I want, doing whatever felt good, to whomever regardless of their feelings. I need help in being disciplined in mind, body and spirit. That discipline doesn’t necessarily mean in a punitive way but in a manner that puts me on a different path- the path to caring for one another in love. I find that I have to daily (sometimes minute-by minute) ask God for help in the moments: how to respond appropriately to an awkward conversation, what insights do I need to work with a difficult colleague, how to remain focused on the task at hand, what ways should I do to stay faithful to a goal I want to achieve, when I should speak and when do I need to listen? I find that the more I ask and stay “in touch” with God, the more He changes my mind and attitude so that I am more loving and caring for those around me.

What about you? What gets you riled up? Have you ever had consequences to your outbursts? What were they?

How is your self-control? What strategies do you do to maintain it?

How are your manners? Need a tune-up or is it automatic? How are you in putting others’ needs before yours? Are you balanced with that: not bulldozing your needs over everyone else, nor piling on everyone else’s needs so that you are immobile?

Fortunate for our wallets (not so fortunate for the catalogue company) we have a free and natural temper temperer: the Holy Spirit. It’s the original model and fits great. Guaranteed.

Extremes

Come on.  True confessions.  Have you ever binged watched on Netflix?  Or YouTube? 

I must admit that I have had a few marathon sessions watching shows that I “missed” as they originally were released. And it is so easily done.  You don’t even have to do, click or enter anything further once you start watching one show.  As soon as the final credits roll at the end of one show, the new segment pops up, starts loading on your screen and within seconds it begins.

The times that I have serial watched,  I come away with a myriad of emotions: disgust at my lack of self-control about my time, relieve that it is finally over, disappointment that the story line is so basic.  On only a couple of occasions was I satisfied with the whole process of watching the story continually unfold and resolving with a good ending.  It is similar to the times when I have stayed up to 2 am reading a page turner in bed. 

Moderation in all things.  How true.  But how difficult to achieve.  Why is it?  

I like the definition of moderation in the Cambridge dictionary: "moderation is the quality of doing something within reasonable limits".  One would think if it is reasonable, it would be easy to achieve yet think of all the things we do in excess:  

• Over eating. I have never been a binge eater although I have had my fair share of eating too much. This is especially true as the holiday season is upon us. 
• Binge drinking.  Apparently this is not just a college problem.  I was surprised when I got into the working world to learn of my colleagues weekends; "functioning" adults who drink to excess on weekends.  If you had any thoughts that it didn't apply to the rest of society- listen to the words of the current country songs- heavy drinking is advocated to relieve pain from a relationship, a difficult boss or just as good time Charlie. 
• Over exercising.  Exercise is great and I am an advocate but I know of people who take it way too seriously and over do it. The result- strains, injuries and possible permanent damage.
• Over spending. Just look at our national deficit and it doesn't take long to realize the problem that we have with spending too much and with money we don't have.
• Over sexed.  Whether you agree or disagree with the sexual revolution, there is no denying that we have an increase in our obsession with sex.  In the extreme it can cause disease, heartache, violence, pain and even death. 

I also like the Oxford dictionary's  definition of moderation: "the action of making something less extreme, intense, or violent.  The avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behaviour or political opinions."

How can we be self-controlled and remain moderate?  When it seems that society is pushing us to the extremes, how do we hold to the middle course? How do we make things less extreme?  How do we do something within reasonable limits? 

I saw an online system for helping school children learn self-control.  It is the acronym WOOP:  Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan.  The idea is to help children achieve self-control by using this technique:

• Wish:  Something you really want to accomplish.  
• Outcome: The best outcome from accomplishing this goal
• Obstacle: The personal obstacles that hinder you from accomplishing this goal
• Plan: What can you do to overcome your obstacle? Name one action you can take or thought you can have. Make an if/then plan and imagine it.   If / When _________ (obstacle), then I will __________ (action to overcome obstacle)

Certainly this may seem very simplistic and naive tool but I think we can learn something from this.  Many times we are swayed to excess because we don't pause and reflect.  We are so busy that it is easy to get caught up in what society is doing and not figuring out what is important to us as individuals.    I think practicing a WOOP technique might help us in lessening the extremes.  

What about you?  Have you ever done anything to excess?  What happened?  Did you regret it?  How do you handle moderation?  How is your self-control?  What steps can you take today to move closer towards your goal?   What have you seen lately on Netflix? 

 Click here to read more about WOOP.

Discipline

How disciplined are you?  Is it a mindset?  Do you delay doing something (e.g. watching TV or reading a book) until something else is done (e.g. kitchen straightened or homework completed)? Are you regimented in your lifestyle?  For example, on Monday, Wednesday, Friday do you always work out in the morning? 

According to merriam-webster.com one of the definitions for discipline: "to train (yourself) to do something by controlling your behavior".

I read two articles recently that got me thinking about discipline.  The first was about the Dominican Republic boxer, Adonis Peguero and the other was about the longitudinal "marshmallow" study. 

Adonis Peguero is the son of Haitian migrants living in the Dominican Republic.  Life for his family and neighbors is quite hard. There is difficulty in finding jobs since the sugar cane plantations have closed.  Growing up, Peguero was quite of a hot-head, "I just couldn’t control myself or my anger. It made me very aggressive." A neighbor introduced him to boxing and to a whole different mindset. " "He told us that boxing wasn’t really a sport. It was an art," Peguero says. "He told us that in order to be a good boxer, you first had to be a person of good character. A person of quality, who can control his anger and his fear."  The big thing is that Peguero found discipline which led him to concentrate on his goal of being successful in boxing.  That discipline gave him more than physical success through boxing: discipline has given him direction and purpose.

The marshmallow study is the classic psychological study looking at preschoolers and if and how long they would wait until they ate a marshmallow.  The child is placed in a room with only a table, chair and a plate with one marshmallow in front of him/her.  The researcher tells the child that if he/she waits and doesn't eat the marshmallow, when she returns she will give the child a second marshmallow.  So by waiting they can double their culinary delight.  The researcher leaves the room and the child is videotaped as he/she sits.

The videos are priceless. Click here to see

In looking at some of the subjects many years later they noticed that those children who demonstrated delayed gratification- waited to eat the marshmallow- had less body mass, scored higher SAT scores, had a better ability to plan and to handle stress.  In general they were better with self-control and will power.  Of course there are many factors that influence whether a child would wait or not.  (If a child never had an adult follow through with what he/she said, then the child would probably eat the marshmallow and not wait.) And the study's point is not to show that it is predetermined by a marshmallow whether a person can delay gratification.  There are also studies that show that the children could wait after they had received strategies on how to distract themselves.  The children were told to imagine the marshmallow as a cloud or pillow, and to think of the reward (two marshmallows) they would receive by just waiting a small amount of time. 

There are times when I need to revisit my attitude towards discipline and self-control.  I think I am relatively a disciplined person but at times I am not.  When I find myself doing the same thing over and over, not accomplishing anything and then feeling self-loath because I am not progressing towards a goal, I need to step back and reevaluate my discipline practices:  What am I trying to achieve?   What is the bigger picture?  Do I need to focus on a smaller goal in order to get back on track?  Where have I had success with discipline in the past?  What were the strategies that I used?  Can I apply any of those in my current situation? 

Are there things that cause you to be stuck?  Does lack of self-control derail you in your day to day life?  Would a better focus help you with any outcome?   

What about you?  Are you disciplined?