Dying Well

One of our dearest friends is dying and there is nothing anybody can do about it. For the last couple years of his life, he has been dealt a double blow: an aggressive inoperative cancer on top of an already progressive debilitating disease which has left him in sound mind but weakened body. Once an athlete with quickness and agility, his body has failed him in even the simplest tasks.

The conversation has long ago moved away from the questions of why, why me and what medical interventions can be taken, to the acknowledgment that death is inevitable. The question now becomes- How does one die well? A question that most of us do not like to think about, but the reality is that from the moment we are conceived, we are on the trajectory towards death. We live in mortal and frail bodies.

Throughout this whole journey, my husband and I have admired our friend and the way he has faced his fate: with grace, kindness, humility, humor and love. He has every right to be focused only on himself, yet whether he has friends, family or caregivers in his room, he, the consummate host and gentleman, will inquire how the other is doing and want to talk about the other person rather than himself. Sure, he has his moments of grouchiness, sarcasm and unpleasantness (who doesn’t even in the best of circumstances), yet he still is caring for others in the limited capacity that he can.

All his life, our friend has demonstrated living with a servant leader heart. He is ready to help anyone in need. Many years ago, we served together on the Deacons, a helping ministry committee at our church. I was always in awe of how he would lean into difficult situations and get right in the middle of helping. He wasn’t concerned about procedure or forms or any administrative items. It didn’t phase him if the person had mental or physical health issues. He just wanted to get to the heart of the matter and help.

He has always taken people at face value. No judgement. I remember one time he and his wife and my husband and I went away for the weekend. As our habit when getting together, we always settle into deep conversations (lubricated by some fine single malt). I cannot remember the exact topic we were discussing but I remember him saying, “I don’t see things the way you folks do.” Perhaps it was his baseball background. It didn’t matter from where one came, what one looked like or what were one’s connections, if you could play ball then you were in. Same with life. If you were living and you had problems (and who doesn’t), then you were “in”, according to his philosophy. For him, every person is in God’s image and therefore deserves respect and love.

He is a good listener. Even if he didn’t agree with you or appreciate the same thing that you liked or enjoyed, he would still engage you in conversation and ask questions about the topic. If you are interested in something, he would want to know about it, because he appreciates the development of relationships through communication over anything else.

Our friend has shown me the answer to dying well. One does so by living well. And our dear friend is doing that. He is dying as he lived his life: thinking of others, building relationships and community, being generous of time, talent and treasure, glorifying God by his attitude and thoughts, enjoying the present and all that encompasses and by focusing on what he can do rather than what he cannot.

So today, happy birthday buddy. For what is birth but our beginning of consciousness to know God and make Him known to others. You dear friend, have shown that to us in so many ways. While your birthday years on earth may be dwindling, the best is yet to come. See you on the other side.

Breathtaking Beauty of Life

Do you ever have themes in your life? Days or weeks when the same topic seems to be brought up in a variety of settings? It is as if the cosmos is telling you- “This is important. Listen.”

It appears that I have had a theme this last week.

The above quote was tucked at the bottom of Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper article from this past Sunday. I really liked it as it captures the essence of life: “heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary”. It captures all that I have felt about life especially the extra- ordinariness of the ordinary.

This past week, my women’s Bible study looked at Psalm 90, a psalm of Moses. Moses reminds us of our limitations as humans, namely that we are like fleeting grass and that, in modern day parlance, we cannot “take it with us”. He reminds us of our sinful nature and therefore our shortened lives. Yet, the psalm also speaks to God’s infinite presence and His holiness and righteousness. It is in remembering our proper place that we can live lives that have joy, peace and authenticity. The psalmist reminds us to number our days and to make the best use of our time. It is in looking at death that we can come to grips with life.

Also, this past week was a national day of mourning. It was a time for the national collective to reflect on a president as well as a time to reflect on ourselves. After all, for what funeral doesn’t cause introspection? Many different news commentators spoke of how hearing about the life of President George H.W. Bush made them think about how they lived their own lives. It was a chance to reflect on the time each one of us has left on this earth.

And then closer to home, this past week our church had our annual service of hope and loss. It is a special service to reflect on our losses, whether the loss of a loved one, a dream, our health, etc. and to embrace the hope that comes with Immanuel. It is a collective time for remembering our loved ones- those present and past and it is a time to recount our lives and how we are numbering our days.

All this “death” has me thinking about life. At our service of hope and loss I witnessed first hand the breathtaking beauty of heartbreak and soul-healing. I saw those whom I know have gone through devastating losses to enter into a place of giving to others. Not that they have forgotten those losses, but because they have witnessed the hope of a future with the everlasting God, they are willing to enter into new horizons.

Life is messy. Nothing brings that home more than the fact that God came to earth through the messiness of being one of us- starting as a helpless, messy, needy baby. God was with us (Immanuel) through the experience of Jesus’ life here on earth. Jesus experienced all that we do except sin. When I acknowledge these facts- Jesus was here on earth. He experienced all that I have and will experience. He lived with purpose and with “numbered days”- I have hope for my future. I have hope that I can number my days and accomplish that which God has called me to do. God’s work of my hands means living an authentic life. One in which I honor Him by integrity, love of God/family/friends/neighbor, loyalty, honesty, being servant minded.

“Let Your work appear to Your servants, And Your glory to their children. And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us, And establish the work of our hands for us.”

What about you? Any life themes? What is the cosmos trying to tell you? Have you ever thought about death? How do you live your life? With an eye on your epitaph? What would people say about you at your funeral?

Is your life breathtakingly beautiful?

Sorrow and Love

Once again our church community is mourning the loss of a beloved member.  Once again a parent has lost a young adult child.  Once again we are coming to grips with sorrow and love.

It seems wrong that a child dies before his/her parents.  It is the wrong order of life and death. Unfortunately it is a place that we have visited a fair amount of times with dear friends and with extended family.  It is a place which begs me to scream and wail at God, how can you allow this to happen?

A couple of weekends ago was the family visitation and a memorial service.  It was beautiful: so peaceful, so compassionate, so life affirming.   There are not enough nor adequate words to describe the young man who died.  He was an original with a capital "O".  Someone who squeezed every ounce of life out of his twenty-eight years on earth. He was one of the most self-assured, comfortable-in-his-own-skin, approachable, lovable, accepting individuals.  He inspired people to be the best version of themselves because he inspired people to be the version that God sees.  

As with all deaths, I think we tend to focus on our own death- what could people say about me, would anyone come?- but we also think of our loved ones- what would I do without him, how can I go on without her?

In the particular case of this death it was so sudden. There was no disease, no accident, no indication that anything was amiss.  He was here living life and then he was not.  There wasn't time to have any bargaining with God as if we can ever bargain for lives.

As a mom I know that I would respond to God, Lord, take me instead.  I would most certainly be willing to give up my life for someone else.  But would I be willing to give up someone else? Am I willing to lose someone I love to death?   I don't know how much I would be willing to give up our boys or my husband if there ever was a choice.

Yet, that is what God did.  He gave up His son, sent Him to earth, allowed Him to be separated from His heavenly father for a time in order to have Him rescue all of us for all eternity.  Because of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, there would never be separation from our Heavenly Father again.

And so God sometimes asks us to be willing and perhaps to actually, give up things, people and relationships in order to get us in a place where we may never be separated from Him or our loved ones again.  I think of how God asks us to be like Abraham and to be willing to sacrifice that which is the most meaningful to us (in his case, his son Isaac). God was more concerned with Abraham's obedience than the sacrifice. 

Do I trust God with all that I have, with all of my life and with all that I love?  Can I entrust my future to Him even if it might bring me temporary but great sorrow?  I pray that no one ever has to endure what our friends and loved ones have. But I also pray that I may come to a place that I can say, "thy will be done" whatever that might be. 

It is a place where sorrow and love flow mingled down.  It is a place that we visited over that weekend.  It is a place where through our tears we can still see the Glory of God through community, care and love of one another.  And it is a place, strangely enough of hope. 

One of my favorite hymns is "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross".   It came immediately to my mind when I first heard the news of the death. 

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

When Time Stops

Funny how things change.  In a blink of an eye the Bible writes.  One day, we are thinking and planning our day and then something happens.  The phone call. The missed turn. The chance encounter.  

Almost two weeks ago, on a Wednesday morning I had prayed, "use me Lord in whatever, whenever, wherever way you can."  Little would I know that when I prayed that prayer, everything that has transpired since would be a testimony to God, His provision of strength and the witness of so much care and support that friends and community can provide.

From a single phone call that my mom was going to the emergency room our family has been propelled into a whirlwind. From the ER, my mom had an overnight hospitalization. She was released home with a treatment plan for an acute illness. She was home for two days when she died suddenly.  

Shocking to all of us as she was "indestructible" as one cousin said to me.  She had ailments related to aging but overall she was always a vibrant, energetic, active woman.  Sad as we all are, we know that she did not suffer, her passing was painless, she had the love of her life, my dad and her husband of 63 years,  right next to her and she is in Heaven. 

It does feel as if time has stopped.  We are all going through the motions of planning the memorial service, contacting out of town family and friends as well as having to work through the aftermath "to do" list (contacting Social Security, pension, etc.)   I have lost track of the days.  Some days it seems as if the day is spread out so long before me and I don't know what to do next.  But once we get working on things, it seems as if there is not enough time in the day.  Even though the change in our daily lives happened so quickly, we are developing a new routine. These early weeks almost seem to be a freeze frame for acute grief and regrouping.  I do think that this "time stoppage" is a protective mechanism for us. It allows us to concentrate on the immediate.  We do recognize that it is not going to be the permanent. I know that after the service and all the to-do things are accomplished, there will be another"normal" for us. Then time will restart. 

I am also amazed at how much God has provided an inner strength and calmness to do what needs to be done.  So many little things that have happened have demonstrated how, even in the midst of our loss, God cares for each of us.  I am more and more convinced that life consists of these little events;  that one's life is really a series of small dramas and actions that are interwoven into a larger composition.  I find great comfort in knowing that the One who has designed the larger composition cares about each of the little elements that go into it.  

I am grateful that I did pray that prayer that Wednesday morning.  Of course, I was not expecting a death. Yet I do feel that because I was open to be used in whatever way I needed to be, God was/is able to work with me.  I like this new state of openness.  It does take a lot of stress off my plate.  I don't have to be in control, God is.  

How about you?  Have you ever had the feeling that time stopped due to an unexpected action?  How did you handle it?  When did time restart?  In what ways did/can you see God at work?  Have you ever prayed to be used by God?  What happened?