Thanksgiving 2021

Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving. We hope to spend time with some of our family. We will have a small gathering with most of the traditional fixings, although my tradition is to mix it up a little and to try a new recipe for the sides. (Much to the chagrin of certain family members.)

Have you noticed that there are more decorative signs saying, “Be Grateful”. It seems that there is an influx of reminders to be grateful for everything. In every store there are tons of decorative items that remind you to be grateful. Googling gratitude home goods shows a plethora of items- napkins to wall hangings, offered from all sorts of vendors-Etsy to Neiman Marcus. All reminding us that gratitude is the best attitude. I hope that this is a by-product of Covid in the realization that life and all that we enjoy in life is precious. Hopefully gratitude will be an attitude that will prevail.

While I applaud the various manufacturers’ desire for all of us to be living grateful lives (I am sure that the CEOs of those companies are grateful for their third quarter earnings), there is a point of overkill and diluting the message.

By definition “grateful” means appreciation of benefits received; expressing gratitude. The definition of “gratitude” is the quality or feeling of being grateful and thankful. The etymology of the word comes from latin- gratus- meaning grace and the definition of “grace” means virtue coming from God. Unmerited divine favor.

While there are other definitions for grace, I think this first one of “virtue coming from God” is what makes gratitude such a powerful attitude. Because, left to our own devices, we humans are whiners, complainers, selfish, and just plain ingrates. Gratitude pulls us out of that behavior but only with help from above.

I find it interesting that almost every culture and religion has some ideology and theology about gratitude. I think because deep down, we know that gratitude aides humanity and we cannot do it alone. When an individual is grateful, she sees the world in a different way: she recognizes that none of the achievements or material things are truly hers alone, that what she has is enough and that she can and should share all things with others. When a society is grateful, there is a mutual benefit not only to the individuals but to the society as a whole. Gratitude evokes humility and hope.

In Egyptian culture they believed gratitude kept one in balance, while ingratitude would open the soul to negativity and sin. Once a year they were to offer five gifts to one of their goddesses Hathor. The priest would hold the person’s left hand and ask, “ Name the five things you would miss the most if you would die right now.” As the person quickly recited his list, the priest would remind him that his five fingers represented each of those five items and when he would look at his hand, he was to be reminded to be grateful.

Modern psychology talks about being grateful. There are all sorts of journals, apps and books regarding the practice of naming/writing/thinking about the three or five things for which one is grateful. And while I try to practice gratitude each day, some days I find are harder than others. It is a discipline and an intentional behavior.

Our dearest friend who is witnessing the active dying of her husband is remarkable. She, through God’s strength, is managing each day with grace and gratitude. Recently when I spoke with her, she recognized that she needed to do something to keep that balance Ancient and Modern societies strive to achieve. She is using a journal to write a simple list of things she has done in the day- for herself and for others. In some ways it is a slight variation on the gratitude list. I like it. For now it keeps her sane and keeps her life in perspective.

What about you? What are your thoughts about gratitude and grace? Have you ever stopped to think about the things you would most miss if you would die right now? Are they things? Or people? Have you ever told those individuals that? As you gather around the table this Thanksgiving, perhaps it is the year to tell the ones who mean the most to you, exactly that?

As you gather, perhaps you can have those around recite the five things each would miss if he/she would die right now? Or, have each person write or name: 1) one thing she did today for herself 2) one thing she did for someone else 3) one thing she is looking forward to 4) one thing for which she is grateful today.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Dying Well

One of our dearest friends is dying and there is nothing anybody can do about it. For the last couple years of his life, he has been dealt a double blow: an aggressive inoperative cancer on top of an already progressive debilitating disease which has left him in sound mind but weakened body. Once an athlete with quickness and agility, his body has failed him in even the simplest tasks.

The conversation has long ago moved away from the questions of why, why me and what medical interventions can be taken, to the acknowledgment that death is inevitable. The question now becomes- How does one die well? A question that most of us do not like to think about, but the reality is that from the moment we are conceived, we are on the trajectory towards death. We live in mortal and frail bodies.

Throughout this whole journey, my husband and I have admired our friend and the way he has faced his fate: with grace, kindness, humility, humor and love. He has every right to be focused only on himself, yet whether he has friends, family or caregivers in his room, he, the consummate host and gentleman, will inquire how the other is doing and want to talk about the other person rather than himself. Sure, he has his moments of grouchiness, sarcasm and unpleasantness (who doesn’t even in the best of circumstances), yet he still is caring for others in the limited capacity that he can.

All his life, our friend has demonstrated living with a servant leader heart. He is ready to help anyone in need. Many years ago, we served together on the Deacons, a helping ministry committee at our church. I was always in awe of how he would lean into difficult situations and get right in the middle of helping. He wasn’t concerned about procedure or forms or any administrative items. It didn’t phase him if the person had mental or physical health issues. He just wanted to get to the heart of the matter and help.

He has always taken people at face value. No judgement. I remember one time he and his wife and my husband and I went away for the weekend. As our habit when getting together, we always settle into deep conversations (lubricated by some fine single malt). I cannot remember the exact topic we were discussing but I remember him saying, “I don’t see things the way you folks do.” Perhaps it was his baseball background. It didn’t matter from where one came, what one looked like or what were one’s connections, if you could play ball then you were in. Same with life. If you were living and you had problems (and who doesn’t), then you were “in”, according to his philosophy. For him, every person is in God’s image and therefore deserves respect and love.

He is a good listener. Even if he didn’t agree with you or appreciate the same thing that you liked or enjoyed, he would still engage you in conversation and ask questions about the topic. If you are interested in something, he would want to know about it, because he appreciates the development of relationships through communication over anything else.

Our friend has shown me the answer to dying well. One does so by living well. And our dear friend is doing that. He is dying as he lived his life: thinking of others, building relationships and community, being generous of time, talent and treasure, glorifying God by his attitude and thoughts, enjoying the present and all that encompasses and by focusing on what he can do rather than what he cannot.

So today, happy birthday buddy. For what is birth but our beginning of consciousness to know God and make Him known to others. You dear friend, have shown that to us in so many ways. While your birthday years on earth may be dwindling, the best is yet to come. See you on the other side.

Personal Signs

New Driver. Rookie Driver.

Have you ever seen those bumper stickers on the back of a car? When I see it, I tend to give some space and latitude to the driver. I remember what it was like to be a rookie driver (and my poor patient father, God rest his soul), and I know what it was like to be a parent of rookie drivers. (Was that the beginning of the grey hair?)

Knowing who is driving and what their experience may be, puts me in a more attentive frame of mind when I am out on the road. I will be forgiving of the cautious driving, the slow acceleration or the wide turning ratio. I will give that driver room and time to make the turn or park the car.

I also think of the other type of bumper stickers that can define the driver- the political, social, and educational ones. Through bumper stickers or window stickers, you sometimes can assume a whole story of someone: their family size, occupation, interests, educational background (themselves or their children), for whom they voted, vacation preferences, even their sense of humor. While it can give us a picture of the other driver, those signs still are all assumptions: I assume that because this driver promotes “x”, they will be in my “y” category of people. I may give them latitude and understanding and I may not.

But what if we all had personal bumper stickers explaining our states of mind, our experience, and our internal struggles? Would we be more gracious and forgiving of one another? Would we give others latitude knowing their struggles? Would we give them time to learn?

If only they knew…. “Best friend overdosed.” “Parents drunk, again.” “Spouse left me.” “ First time out of the house in eighteen months. Petrified.” “Feel like a failure.” “ Lost my job.”

If others only knew the thoughts and worries going in our heads, perhaps they would be a little more patient with our cautious-ness, slowness or general poking along the road of life. Short of knowing what others are going through, we just make assumptions that everyone else should just straighten up and fly right.

Instead of putting the onus on others to disclose their story, what if we just treated everyone with universal respect and kindness? A version of “personal protective equipment or universal precautions of pleasantness”, if you will.

Jesus tells His disciples to act towards others as you would want them to behave towards you. The Golden Rule (Matthew 7: 12). I am sure that we all have “stuff” going on in our heads. (Can’t only be me.) When we are bothered by things, isn’t it refreshing to have people around us that give us a little grace when we may forget an appointment? Or latitude for our lateness? Or just a smile when we are feeling blue? Imagine what our world would look like if we gave room and grace to those who are struggling?

We should treat all people as the image bearers of God that they are. Especially those who have experienced and are living into the grace of God. “We should be called the children of God; and so we are.” (1 John 3: 1). We should treat others with compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience. (Colossians 3: 12).

What about you? What would be your personal bumper sticker? Is it one you have worn for a long time? Do you wish it could be removed? Do you find yourself affected by the stickers and logos on another car? How do you respond?

The thing is, I truly believe that with God’s help, we can change those bumper stickers. They can be removed: that rookie driver will become experienced, the addict can be healed, the marriage can be saved, and the broken life can be restored.

In the meantime, wouldn’t it nice to have the leeway and space as we go along, knowing that how we behave and treat others, they in turn offer to us?

Extreme Times

“It was the best of times, the worst of times.” So said Charles Dickens in the opening line of “A Tale of Two Cities.” We could also use those lines today for we live in extremes- weather, politics, education, socio-economics, health.

We even think in extremes when we view ourselves “I am the worst ….” or “I am the best ….” Very rarely do you hear someone say that they, “I am just average.” Of course, most people chuckled to hear the closing lines of Lake Wobegone:  “where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.” 

In social psychology, this is known as illusory superiority or positive illusion– the tendency to overestimate one’s positive qualities and capabilities, and to underestimate one’s negative qualities, relative to others.

According to brothers, Chip and Dan Heath, in their latest book release, Switch, our brains are “positive illusion factories.” According to the Heaths: Only 2% of high school seniors believe that their leadership skills are below average. 25% of people believe that they are in the top 1% in their ability to get along with others. 94% of college professors report doing above-average work. People believe that they are at lower risk than peers for heart attacks, cancer, and even food-related illnesses, like salmonella. Even more interesting– people claim that they are more likely than their peers to provide accurate self-assessments! (From: https://decision-wise.com/do-you-suffer-from-the-lake-wobegon-effect/)

When I had my broken wrist, I was no different. There seemed to be a perverse pride in my thinking- This must be the worst break the surgeon has ever seen. Realistically I had to tell myself, “not so, my friend.” Sure. It was a pretty bad break but not one that my experienced surgeon hadn’t seen before.

Or my other disillusioned thinking- I am the fastest, best healer in the world. Again, “not so fast, mon amie”. I healed pretty quickly but certainly not a Star-Trek kind of healing. As is true of most of life, we are not the best or worst but somewhere in the middle.

It occurred to me that these types of extremes happen in our relationship with God. We think we have to be the best moral person in order for us to be noticed by Him and to achieve moral goodness resulting in Heaven. We have to be good people through our actions. And it is completely unattainable.

Or we claim that we are the worst sinner ever and so there is no moral hope for us. Nada. We cannot do anything about it and therefore we pridefully wallow in our self-destruction. So long as nothing can be done about it, we might as well do whatever we please to whomever we want. That lifestyle is bound not to end well.

The thing is- we are neither the best nor the worst.

Have you ever wondered why there were criminals hanging on crosses next to Jesus? I am wondering if at that place of Golgotha was the once-and-for-all extreme example of how God changed our lives and took care of the extremes.

After all, Jesus was the best. He was perfect. Sinless. And he was crucified as if He were the lowest of life. Jesus didn’t deserve to die. He had done nothing wrong. Ever. If anyone deserved moral superiority it was Jesus.

The thief on the cross represented the worst. We do not know the multitude of sins or infractions he had committed but it was enough to have him suffer the cruelest of deaths. Regardless of the totality of his sin, once he was killed, that would be it. Time was up. No remorse. No repentance. No forgiveness. No second chances. At that moment, he was the worst for there was no time left for him to be better. All he could do was realistically recognize his sin and Jesus’ goodness.

“Today you will be with me in paradise,” Jesus tells the criminal (Luke 23:42).

Because of Jesus’ willingness to die on the cross, we have no right to say that we are the best and therefore we deserve Heaven. Nor, can we compete with the criminal and say that we are the worst and therefore do not deserve Heaven.

Jesus took care of the extremes so that we don’t have to. All we have to do is believe.

When we recognize Jesus, we can humbly declare like the thief to his fellow crucified thief, “for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” When we do that, the extremes drop away. We do not have to claw our way to the top of being the best nor do we have to dig entrenchments of self-pity and perverse pride. We can honestly and realistically know our place and be accepted as we are: loved and belonging to God. As such, all people have the opportunity to live in paradise. It is a question of choice and freewill.

I think it also applies to life in the here and now. No one is the best or worst. We are all in the in-between. I think when we understand that there are no extremes, we humbly realize that we are all basically in the same storm. Some people have different types of boats but no one has the best or worst one.

What about you? Are you living with extreme thinking? About yourself? In your interactions with others? With God? The thing is- there is always someone better or worse than our situation. If one has reached the top- athletic ability, intellectual prowess, financial goals- there is always another person coming along who will break the record or reach higher heights. For all the tough breaks and hard times someone might go through, there will always be a worse hard luck story told in response.

Humbly seeing ourselves as God sees us- loving us while we were still sinners (and even as we still are sinners)- keeps us from any superiority or superlatives. We can be realistic about our place in this (and the next) world. It should free us up to treat others as we want to be treated.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Yet, with God, it can be a time of living without extremes. It can be a really good time.

April Showers

Many years ago I had taken a writing course with the author Julianna Baggott.  She was great. Not only a wonderful writer but an articulate, funny and caring human being.   One day we were talking about plot and character development and she used the author of "The Fight Club", Chuck Palahniuk as an example.  He is known for adding much conflict to his characters' stories. Just when you think the character is dealing with a lot, more tough situations are dumped on him. As a reader, one gets to see how the character handles or doesn't handle the stress.

Do you ever feel that you are having to do as much as you can handle and then even more things are showered upon you?  That feeling of being so overwhelmed that you know it is only the shear volume of the things that are surrounding you, that keeps you upright.  You would collapse but there is no where to fall because the stressors are on top, beside and below you.  

This morning I was feeling that way.  The irony is that I am in the middle of writing the curriculum for a five week class on prayer. Talk about a living example!  Talk about a reality show!  I am praying for strength like you wouldn't believe.  I wonder if I can handle all the volume of things on me?

Here is what I am learning in this process:

1) I have to read the Bible every morning.  If I don't I will collapse.  It is more than just a feel good or a "keep myself in God's good graces" activity. It is sustenance to my soul.  If I didn't eat breakfast in the morning, I would not be able to be my best.  

2) Delegate and let go.  There have been some situations that, in my normal schedule I would be involved.  But because many days I have to be in two or more places at once, I have had to let others pick up where I couldn't be. 

3) Tell your loved ones what you need. I am so grateful for my husband.  I have told him that I just can't think about meals for the next couple of weeks and he has taken that off my plate. (no pun intended)

4) Prioritize and say no.  There are so many other things that I need to do this spring.  One such item was to scrape and paint the outside of our screened porch.  But I know that there is no way that I can do it.  I have other similar items of household things to-do as well as commitments I had made in past years.  I have had to say no and try to free up some time.  Getting my father situated in an assisted living arrangement is priority number one. 

5) Be kind to yourself.  This one is the hardest things for me to do.  For me, to be kind to myself I have to give myself permission:  permission that it is okay to not do everything, permission to know that I will disappoint others especially those who think I should do everything, permission to know that I can take a little time for myself.

I also realized that I need to allow  myself  to enjoy the stressors.  Sounds crazy but I am realizing that life is an ebb and flow of a flurry of activity and a time of stillness.  I want to appreciate it all: the good, the bad and the ugly.  I don't want to get through this time of my life and be angry at myself for not handling it with grace. Someday I want to look back and say that it is only through God's grace that I was able to handle all that came my way.  I want to be able to point to blessings that have sprung up from the stress and give God the glory. 

I want to be able to say that, "Yes, I did have April (stress) showers, but look at all the May (grace-filled) flowers."  

What about you?  Do you feel you are showered with conflict?  How are you handling it?  What steps can you take to lesson the load?  Have you seen May flowers from your April showers?